*Anish, 21, is an intern at a media house in Delhi.
More than friends
After spending more than three months together on our semester projects and assignments, *Nisha and I became friends. From regularly speaking on phone to visiting different places in the city on weekends, we started enjoying our relationship.
One day as we were sitting in the college canteen, I told her that I would love to have a relationship with her beyond work and excursions. She agreed happily and from then onwards things changed between us.
That winter evening
Tightly hugging and passionately kissing each other before we left for our homes became a regular deal. With every passing day, we came close to each other until that winter evening.
Both of us were at her friend’s flat where we were laying close to each other and watching a movie. Slowly we lost ourselves in our body scents and started to feel each other’s genitals. After a few more minutes, our clothes came off.
In that dimly lit room where only a small bulb was switched on, we were kissing and cuddling with our naked bodies rubbing with each others'.
She had told me before that she was a virgin. Keeping that in mind, I kissed and licked her vagina and clitoris for adequate lubrication before the act. While I took out the condom from my bag, she saw and held my penis in her hand and the room went completely silent and still.
For a lifetime
I waited for Nisha to feel comfortable with my genitals. I understood that it was the first time she was seeing a naked adult man – closely. When I put on the condom and was about to enter her, she shouted and stood up from the mattress. She was crying and asking me to stop.
I stopped and hugged her. With tears in her eyes, Nisha said that she would bear the pain of having sex only with someone who would stay with her for a lifetime.
It was a bit awkward for me. But that’s what she wanted. So we put our clothes back on and I dropped her home.
Not meant to be
After that day we still met but the romance took a hit. I was willing to wait for her to feel comfortable with sex so that we could connect better with each other. But promising my whole life, I don’t think I was ready for that. She was hurt but I didn’t want to have a relationship on a false note.
For Nisha, first-time sex was something that she related to pain and preservation and could never agree to be intimate with me. On the other hand, I believed in sharing my body with the person I felt comfortable with and whom I fully trusted.
I never initiated physical contact with her after that evening. Nisha and I gradually drifted and parted ways. We couldn’t manage each other’s expectations and though we enjoyed each other’s company, it didn’t last long.
*To protect identity, names have been changed and the person in the picture is a model.
This article was first published on March 26, 2019.
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About the author: Arpit Chhikara loves to read, write, draw and take long walks while listening to podcasts. Besides writing on various themes related to SRHR, he also works in the alternative education domain. When not at home, you can find him living in lesser-known places in India. You can check him on Instagram.