Love Matters Auntyji
Love Matters

Is it OK to have sex without being in love?

By Auntyji Tuesday, November 22, 2016 - 13:04
Is it wrong to have sex without being in love? I like a girl and we’ve had sex a couple of times but I feel guilty and judged. Please help! Tushar (23), Kolkata

Auntyji saysPuttar, who is judging you? Are your friends responsible for making you feel guilty or the girl herself? Are you sure it’s not just you?

Meet and mate

Betaji, first let’s see what is bothering you. You met a girl, you like her, and well, now you two are looking for opportunities to hit the bed together. It’s certainly not a one-time story. You meet her again and the cycle continues. So what’s wrong with that?

You aren’t hurting, harming or cheating her or yourself. It’s a clean and clear route as I see it. Meeting, mating and moving. The idea that you can’t have great sex unless you are in love just isn’t always true, puttar. And you may love a person to your last breath but the sex can still be pathetic.

Feeling good

You may ask how this situation is different from a one-night stand. It is, beta. You may not be in love but you do have feelings for each other. Koi patthar thodi na ho tum dono beta. You meet someone, you like them, then trust develops and sex happens. After you’re done, you go your way and they go their way.

So if you’re asking whether you’ve developed feelings for her, well the answer is yes. Are you two in love? No!

Beta, as long as you are very clear with how you deal with your feelings, emotions and negotiations, I think all is good. It’s your body, you have a right to choose. Just make sure she is on the same page too.

How society divides gender

The issue is that the society creates wrong notions about guys and girls who are sexually active. There are so many misleading stereotypes. For example, the idea that if a girl wants sex then she doesn’t have a good character. If a man wants it, he’s super cool. And if he doesn’t, he’s useless.

And there’s another stereotype that men just want sex and girls want love. Hain? What is this na-insaafi?

Men want love too and girls can just seek fun. Love for lusty times is perhaps the same for both. But men often get all the bad press and girls are stuck with waiting for true love.

Expectations and negotiations

Betaji, as long as you know what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and whether you’re doing it safely or not, sex and love needn’t be interdependent. It’s not something we can judge anyone on or blame someone for.

Sex can sometimes be an act sans emotions beta.

Recently, I met my friend’s daughter and we were walking by a park. While speaking with me, she raised her hand and said hello to a few boys playing volleyball. “Your college mates,” I asked. “No, my bed pals,” she said. Now, if these boys share their secrets with each other, my girl will have to move her neighbourhood.

Don’t worry so much puttar! Just relax and enjoy, you aren't alone. There are so many young people just like you.


To protect the privacy of the author, the person in the photo is a model. 

Have you ever had sex with someone you didn’t love? Share your story in comments or join us for a discussion on Facebook. If you have a question, please visit our discussion forum

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