*Vihaan, 17, is a student of class 11 at a school in Delhi.
The loser
Ever since class nine, my schoolmates (the boys that is) have their hush-hush huddles during the lunch break. Discussing the usuals – which girls have the biggest breasts. Who took the longest to ‘let go’ while masturbating. Setting new records every day!
I haven’t participated much in these talks because they would always make fun of me. I was branded a ‘loser’ because of my ‘inexperience’.
Bas itni si baat?
One day, as I was returning from school, my friend and neighbour Rishabh bhaiya saw me. He asked me how things were. I told him about my sorry state at school and the ‘loser’ tag I had been stamped with.
‘Bas itni si baat?’ he laughed at me. He gave me a pen drive and told me to see it alone.
I went home and told mom that I had to stay up late for a school project. When everyone was asleep, I inserted the pen drive into my laptop.
The big revelation
My jaws dropped at what I saw next. There were porn movies of all kinds!
It was my first introduction to sex between a man and woman and how it is done. So far I had only been masturbating to feel good but now I wanted to have sex with a woman.
Next day, at school I felt excited seeing every female around me. Was it the after-effect of my newly-acquired knowledge around sex?
Voter card and condom
When I shared these feelings with Rishabh bhaiya, he laughed again. But then sat me down for a chat.
‘You are just 17,’ bhaiya said. ‘It is quite normal to have these feelings and desires’. He also asked me to not act on these feelings till I was at least 18.
The criterion for being an adult is not sex but ‘having a voter card and the confidence to buy a condom,’ he said. And until you can do both, hold on to your feelings.
My first time
The next day I bumped into Chitra*, my junior at the school. I knew through common friends that she had a crush on me and loved my dancing skills. I had never really talked to her much before. But my newly-awakened hormones urged me to talk.
I said hello to her and she responded with a big grin. We spoke casually about where she lives etc. Next day, I asked if I could walk her home. She happily bid goodbye to her friends. I could hear her friends say, ‘Best of luck’ to her!
We both became good friends in a matter of days. One weekend, we both went for a walk in our neighbourhood park. After strolling and talking for over an hour, as the sun set, we went to her building’s terrace. Even before we could reach the top floor, I kissed her in the lift.
Most beautiful thing
I expected her to push me back but she only smiled. And then she kissed me back. At that moment, I really wanted to do all the things I had seen in the movies that day but somehow bhaiya’s words - 'condom and voter id card’ rang in my ears.
So we kissed and fondled for some more until it was time for her to return home.
On my way back home, I felt guilty for doing such things with a 15-year-old. So the next day, I said sorry to her but to my surprise, she told me that it was the ‘most beautiful thing’ that happened to her.
Gyan time
Even after Chitra’s admission, I felt guilty. I went to Rishabh bhaiya and told him about my feelings. He assured me my feelings were perfectly normal and cheered me for listening to my inner voice. He said it was also ok for me to continue seeing Chitra as long as we both could promise to be smart enough to control our feelings.
I have been following his gyan ever since. Chitra and I are having a great time getting to know each other. And somehow, as the initial hormones settled down, this whole ‘being a loser and inexperienced thing’ seems quite silly.
Tomorrow, I intend to join the boys' gang in their chat. I might even crack a joke or two, but in my head, I feel much clearer and happier.
*To protect the identity, names have been changed and the person/s in the picture is/are models.
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About the author: Arpit Chhikara loves to read, write, draw and take long walks while listening to podcasts. Besides writing on various themes related to SRHR, he also works in the alternative education domain. When not at home, you can find him living in lesser-known places in India. You can check him on Instagram.