1. I look ugly without clothes
Let’s take a situation. Shreya and Amit love each other and they both are planning to have sex for the first time. However, Shreya is not very happy with the way she looks. She thinks her breasts are too big and her tummy is not flat. She is so stressed about the way she looks that she can’t enjoy the excitement ahead of the big day!
So what’s that way out?
Shreya is not alone. Most of us think the same way and are almost never content with the way we look.
Spending time with your naked body might help things. Sleep naked, stare at yourself in the mirror without clothes. Getting comfortable with the sight of your unclothed body with all your imagined flaws about it, you might get more comfortable at being naked around another person.
Identifying what exactly bothers you about your naked body might also help in addressing this concern. Do you have a problem with your weight, girth, body hair, skin colour, skin texture (loosening, pigmentation, stretch-marks), etc?
You could work on some of the aspects that bother you. If it’s body weight and girth, some exercise might help (if the body mass is not due to a medical condition), if you think your body is too hairy, you could opt for hair removal or get massages (or have your partner massage you!) for skin tightness, and so on. However, cosmetic procedures like these might be only temporary or superficial.
The best way is to accept how you are instead of fretting over changing your body with these measures.
2. I am inexperienced
As Shreya is fretting over her looks, apna Amit too has his own issues. He is constantly thinking, ‘Main kar bhi paonga ya nahi? Is my penis size ok? What if I come too soon?’
What should Amit do in this situation?
Trying to relax and flushing this thought out is the first step to performing well – as per your and your partner’s desire – in sex. Being open in communication with your partner will ensure that your performance is good for them as well as for you. Tell them what you like.
Ask them what they like. Hear them out and act on the cues they give you. Is it a back rub or a kiss on the neck? Is it with lights off or on? Would they like to come first or help you come first. Constant feedback helps release the pressure of a ‘grand finale’.
Remember, sex is not about those last few minutes of orgasm, but about the journey (also known as foreplay!) to get there. If you can’t enjoy the journey, chances are you won’t enjoy or get to that ‘oh-so-precious’ finale!
3. I will catch an STI
Though Amit and Shreya both know each other well since last one year, Shreya still can’t stop thinking about catching an STD as she is not sure about Amit’s past sexual experiences. Amit too might be having these thoughts about Shreya.
So what's the way out for them?
You have to be honest with your partner about any pre-existing STIs that you have/ may have, or about STIs you have had at any point (and urge your partner to also be forthright in this aspect).
But the good news is –this is avoidable to a great extent. Have yourself regularly tested for Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) and Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs).
Using a latex condom, dental dams while giving oral sex, not sharing sex-toys or sharing them only after thorough washing, washing yourself thoroughly before and after sex, and maintaining general hygiene can ensure that you avoid any exchange of STIs and STDs, but transmit only happy hormones.
4. I’m not comfortable with that
Amit and Shreya followed our advice and had a memorable, pleasurable and awesome first-time sex. They have made love many times since. However, Shreya is not very comfortable going down on Amit.
How should she deal with this situation?
Sex has to be fun and for both partners. At no point you should feel compelled to do things or acts that you are not comfortable with. You must reserve the right to tell your sexual partner what you are/ are not comfortable participating in and they must respect your choice and comfort zone.
Communication is also the key here. Sit down with your partner and tell them what you like and what you don’t like. Sex has to be a pleasurable experience for both. Else, it’s time to rethink your choice of that sexual partner.
5. I’d like that differently
Shreya likes it when Amit kisses her and does other such acts before the penetration but she feels he is always in a hurry to get to the ‘main act’. She wants Amit to indulge in more foreplay and spend more time on giving her orgasm. She doesn't want to offend Amit by telling him he is not doing enough.
What should Shreya do?
It’s not possible for your partner to be a mind-reader and automatically know what works for you. They may be rubbing it clockwise while anticlockwise is what gets you through the roof, the pressure might be too low or too intense for your liking. Put it across – gently, nicely. Tell them, politely and playfully, what they might need to tweak in their technique.
Now, that’s easier said than done in the moment when so much is happening anyway. But, we have to try, anyway. Say it verbally, or through gestures, or by just gently directing their movements in the way it works best for you. Or tell them to watch while you do on yourself what you want them to do to you.
This can also make for pretty exciting sexual play. We’ve given you the clues, build your own games and have fun together.
6. Will I ever get an orgasm?
Amit often reaches orgasm first and Shreya feels too shy to keep him waiting for her own orgasm. So she sometimes fakes orgasm and tells Amit that she has climaxed but in reality she doesn’t.
What should Shreya do?
Orgasm is the most desirable finality for most sexual people, but, the way to the orgasm has to be exciting and enjoyable to reach the summit. If you keep stressing about reaching or not reaching your orgasm, you really might not reach there. Let the mind rest and let the impulses take over. Relax. Breathe deep – in and out.
7. What if I have to burp/fart/sneeze?
When Shreya has to use the bathroom while staying with Amit, she is embarrassed of the ‘bathroom noises’ or ‘smells’. So much so that she hold her pee for a long time. Meanwhile Amit too finds it embarrassing to burp in front of her for fear of getting judged.
What should they both do?
What you might think as the big bummers during sex could turn into bonding moments. The people who laugh together have the most fun together, right? And what is sex really about if not some pure fun.
Bodily sounds and functions like burps, farts, urge to pee or poop during that time, vaginal farts, etc, might feel awkward in the silence of the moment.
The thing to remember is that each person has a body that makes all the weird noises and ill-timed nature’s calls. It’s nothing to be ashamed about it, really. It could be great to have a big laugh with your partner(s) when the body calls hit during your sexy time.
8. What if I/she gets pregnant?
‘What if my condom breaks’, ‘What if my birth control pill does not work, ‘Can I get her pregnant even after using a condom’ – a constant worry for Amit and Shreya.
Pregnancy, when not desired, can be a scary outcome of intercourse. But, as an internet saying goes: sex (i.e., sexual intercourse) leads to pleasure more often than it leads to pregnancy.
Various measures can be taken to reduce the possibility of pregnancy to negligible: using condoms, getting a copper T inserted, taking oral contraception pills, permanent contraception methods like vasectomy and tubectomy, and so on. In some cases, a combination of methods could be used, one by each partner, so that, it is all fun and no worry about an unintended pregnancy for either partner.