The world of sex hacks
“Life hacks’ are tips and tricks meant to make your life easier and more efficient. As such, they spread like chlymadia across social media. Use a tennis ball to open your locked car door! Use a toilet paper roll as a smart phone speaker! Pee on a jellyfish sting to relieve the pain!
Naturally, ‘sex hacks’ exists as a sub-genre, as represented by titles such as ‘9 sex hacks for better orgasms, because using coconut oil as lube may change your life’ and ‘11 orgasm hacks you need to try’.
Sadly, such articles usually only offer rather obvious tips: Practice makes perfect! Listen to your partner! Bring some sex toys into the mix!
(However, once you grow bored of those sex toys, you can recycle these into doorstops and other handy household objects, according to ‘“You used a dildo for WHAT?” 14 fabulous sex toy life hacks’.)
Cheap orgasm hacks
But some sex hack lists are actually useful…
Plus: “You don't need a plethora of pricey sex toys and props in order to reach life-altering orgasm,” according to ‘11 sex hacks for broke girls, because orgasms don't cost a thing’.
For example, if you’re too broke to afford condoms, try ‘femoral sex’.
“Never heard of femoral sex? It was news to me too. It's essentially sex without vaginal penetration, and it's done when a man thrusts his penis in between closed thighs.”
Kegel exercises are also good, clean – and free – fun.
“The more you practice these pelvic floor strengthening exercises, the tighter your vagina will be. As a result of your Kegel dedication, your orgasms will be stronger and you'll have more control over your lady parts in any sexual situation.”
Oh, and try wearing socks.
“Apparently, a woman's prefrontal cortex and amygdala are soothed when her feet are warm and cozy, meaning she experiences less danger, and can reach climax more smoothly. An amazing 50 percent of women in the study reported reaching orgasm, but that number rose to 80 percent after socks were handed out. They don't need to be pretty. They don't even need to match.”
In other lady's news: ‘15 hacks to make periods suck less’.
Predictably, some of the offered hacks are obvious. Example: “Keep spare panties in a desk drawer at work or in a pouch in your backpack.”
Others are less obvious. Example: Did you know that meat tenderizing powder is great at removing old blood stains?
And don’t forget to masturbate! “This doesn't work for everyone, but a lot of women say orgasms actually help alleviate cramps because it sends a huge rush of blood to your lower abdomen and releases oxytocin, which can help your uterus relax (aka stop cramping like crazy).”
(And once you grow bored of masturbating, you can take things to the next level: ‘6 period sex hacks, because you deserve good sex all month long’.)
Make your sex life 13 times more efficient!
We saved the best for last: ‘Sex hacks for people who can't get enough of life hacks’.
“Sure, sex is good, but shouldn't it be better? Don't you wish there were tips and tricks to take your night of oral, vaginal, or anal penetration to that next level? Interested in sexually stimulating touch but wish there were more cut up, recycled toilet paper rolls involved?”
“Here are some simple tips and tricks that will make your sex life 13 times more efficient, guaranteed!”
“All you need for an impromptu vibrator is an electric toothbrush and a roommate who won't notice when their toothbrush is missing.”
“Almost anything in your home can be used to spank someone. Spanking is just hitting!”
“Got a bunch of old cleaning supplies lying around? Throw them out, and then have sex in the clutter-free area under the sink.”
(Oh, and by the way, after further research, it turns out that: a tennis ball won’t open a locked car door, a toilet roll is useless as a phone speaker, and pissing on a jellyfish sting won’t make the pain go away. Just saying...)