wife is a survivor of child sex abuse
Love Matters India

My wife is a survivor of child sex abuse. How can I help her?

By Auntyji Monday, April 29, 2019 - 10:42
Hi Auntyji, my partner has been a survivor of child sex abuse. It makes our sex life difficult and uncomfortable. How can I get her to come out of it and have a meaningful, pleasurable and healthy relationship with me? Sagar, 26, Lucknow

Auntyji says, ‘This is one of those situations beta when one feels helpless and yet wants to help’.

Nice to know you

But first, I am so happy to meet you – that you are ready and keen to help your partner through this time. Let’s begin at the top – it’s not uncommon at all. Many people react similarly.

The impact of the abuse is so much that it makes it tough for the survivor to trust people, and sex is a far cry.

Even physical interaction with close partners and lovers can trigger memories of an abusive childhood. How damaging these acts can be. Afsos!

Table it

So let’s get started – you are the cool guy here. Sit her down and talk to her – about the abuse – as much as she wants to. Neither probe nor inquire about the exact incidents – unless she wants to share. Ask and discuss how she feels.

You can remind her how much you love her and how none of this matters to you and what you feel about her – both as a person and as a lover.  

Now the bigger one. Support her not only as your wife (after all that’s an expected response – you are partners) but rather, remind her of who she is and what she brings to the world, to society, to everyone she knows.  

Remind her what a great worker she is, a good friend, a fine daughter, sister.. singer maybe, artist, footballer? Remind her who she is from within. Surely abuse is one of her facts of life, it is one of her realities, but not all of it.

Out of bounds

Whatever we do we must never underestimate or underplay what the person has gone through. Let her decide and deal with it at the pace she wants to. You need to be there and be supportive and not give out platitudes like, ‘forget it, ‘it was so long ago’,  ‘how come you are so immature and X or Y is so bindaas’.

These are absolutely insensitive comments and indicate as if you are so bored of her and her pain. So be watchful of what you say. It would definitely not be nice to hear you say – ‘how long till we have proper sex’ or something on those lines. Be patient, not petulant.

What is crucial here Sagar beta is that you want her to be happy and joyous and that will reflect in your sex life too – we can assume. You are not trying to ‘fix her’ so that you can have good sex – its the other way round – assure her that too.  

Let her not ever feel that once again she is stuck with a selfish user – who only wants sex from her because that is what she is battling already.  Whether all this translates into sex or not – you are her partner – her saathi – let her know.

*To protect the identity, names have been changed and the person/s in the picture is/are models.

How will you support a survivor of child sex abuse? Comment below or share with Love Matters (LM) on our Facebook page. If you have a specific question, please ask LM experts on our discussion forum.

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Rahul bete yadi app HAR mahila ya ladki ko sleeveless mein dekhte waqt uttejit ho jaaatey hain so shayad aapka nazariya mahiloun ke prti bahut ek tarfaa hai… isme toh sudhaar laana hee chahiye. Har mahila sex ki vastu bilkul nahi! Yadi aap is mudde par humse aur gehri charcha mein judna chahte hain to hamare disccsion board “Just Poocho” mein zaroor shamil ho! https://lovematters.in/en/forum
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