Love Matters India

Will my boyfriend turn violent?

By Auntyji Tuesday, September 18, 2012 - 20:10
Q: Will my boyfriend turn violent like his father was? He tells me he saw his father beating his mother throughout his childhood. I’m scared that someday he might turn into the kind of abusive person his father was. Help me Auntyji. Radha, Pune

Auntyji says... Hello Radha beta, how are you, sweetheart? You will not believe it but I always hit it off very well with people with that name. And I’m sure that you won’t be an exception. Must say, you have touched an interesting topic my dear child. For years scientists have known to hedge bets over genetic versus environmental factors affecting behaviour.

Pass it on

So take a deep breath and learn to live in the present. As my daddyji used to say, the more you worry about the future, the more the future worries you. So why bother about things that are not under control anyway?

Frankly my dear, nobody can really tell if your boyfriend or anybody else for that matter will turn abusive in the future or not. Having said that, I understand your concern. Many people are known to inherit their parents’ penchant for violence and are known to pass it on to their kids as well. However, it is not essential that every violent father’s son grows up to be a violent person only.


True, men who’ve seen their mothers suffer at the hands of their abusive fathers can grow up to think that is normal, acceptable behaviour.

But on the other hand, because they’ve seen the worst, they may also go in the opposite direction and do everything they can to make sure they never repeat such horrid things. So they become very gentle and sensitive partners themselves.

I say think of the latter of these two possibilities rather than the former.

Love or abuse?

But what you should do is in fact what I think all women should do. Be very careful and always be very vigilant. Make sure that he respects you and treats you the way you want to be treated. Don’t give in to any kind of unnecessary emotional pressure.

A lot of men abuse women under the garb of love and care. So if he insists on you going everywhere only with him or he gets jealous and possessive with you talking to another guy, please do not call it being jealous and possessive and ‘caring about you’. It is a form of abuse.

Don't stand for abuse

If you ever get a feeling that you are constantly walking on egg-shells, and you are always watching your words because you do not want to upset your partner. Then it is the time to question if he is the right man for you. You should refuse to accept any kind of abusive behaviour, long before it ever gets to the level of violence.

Betaji unless you see any of those signs, I’ll advise you not to freak out. There’s no guarantee that your boyfriend will be like his father. Don’t let any pre-conceived notions affect you. But do remember to not let anyone control you. On first signs of abuse, take action. Just be careful and rabji will take care of you.

Should Radha simply trust her love for her boyfriend or should she be suspicious because of the violence in his background? Leave a comment here or join the discussion on Facebook.

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