Love Matters

Why am I so mean to my boyfriend?

By Auntyji Tuesday, July 26, 2016 - 22:27
Auntyji, I often hurt my boyfriend and later feel sorry. He is very understanding but I tend to lose my temper over silly things. Am I an awful person? Joy (21), Pune

Auntyji says… Yes! You may well be on your way of becoming that ‘awful person’. To your bf at least. But why is the question, dear? Let’s find out and let’s squash it out.

Expectations not met?

There is no denying that we hurt people we love the most. But why? I can tell you my own reasons. One of them is that we set our expectations too high from them. They have to be just PERFECT in every way. While we can get off by being mean and nasty.

Now that’s a bit of a conundrum, isn’t it? I will also say that people who say they don’t have expectations are delusional. We have expectations from everyone, said and unsaid. That’s what makes a relationship.

The closer you get, the higher your expectations. That’s where the trouble is. Set someone up too high, they are bound to fall and it’s only YOU who feels the crash, the hardest. So tone your expectations down, my dear!

Lose it or lose him

Now, your man is understanding and sweet about it. How long will he remain so? And that’s another reason you may be doing it. Just because he is allowing it. Imagine Joy, if he had asked this question here? My gf is very mean to me and always puts me down. What should I do?

What advise do you think I would have offered? Yehi na ki chadd puttar, jaan de. This girl is not a nice person to be with. Surely, you are not that, Joy. Just because he is taking it, doesn’t mean you dole it out, girl.

Bechare ki bhalayee ko kamzori na samjho. Don’t misunderstand his nice attitude for his weakness. Do you know that song, puttar? “Tum chale jaoge to sochenge, humne kya khoya humne kyaa paaya…” It roughly translates to, “If you were to leave one fine day, I will wonder what we lost and what we gained.”

Help at hand

Joy, I think it is good that you feel bad instantly after hurting him. It means that you realise your fault and you apologise for the same. If you feel sorry, you must really stop it. Watch yourself. Control that urge to snap and to criticise. Watch your words, very consciously.

The minute you feel your mercury rising, step back. Your best bet is your bf himself. Co-opt him in this journey.

Ask him to help you. Each time he feels you are beginning to lose it, tell him he is allowed to leave the room, put on his head phones, end or leave the conversation.

Ask him to tell you what he doesn’t like or feel bad about. It doesn’t have to be a huge task. Something as simple as, “Please don’t say that! It hurts.” Usually, intervention is enough to douse the anger and hit home to realisation.

Break that habit

Someone made a list of all the mean things she used to do to her bf, in just one day. The list included behavioural traits like making a face, rolling her eyes, verbal or non verbal criticism, constant comments and comparison. At the end of the list, she was shocked to know how mean she could be. May be you can try that too?

I can understand that it is super tough to change. Especially when you are already in a habit. I can understand betiyaa, but please try. Try because you are not that mean girl and your guy is not someone who deserves this. Hai na?

To protect the privacy of the author, the person in the picture is a model.

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