Aunty ji se poocho

My BF is so possessive, what should I do?

By Auntyji Tuesday, July 22, 2014 - 05:30
I am in a healthy relationship since two years. I really have a wonderful time with him – he is loving, caring and very soft-spoken. There is no problem except that he doesn’t like my being friends with any other guys.

And this really became a big issue when he saw my pictures on FB – I was just hanging out with some colleagues in a pool at an office party. Now he wants to see my phone and check my e-mail and chat history. He has not once said he does not trust me. He says, in fact he does not trust others. And that is not so bad, is it? But it is causing us to argue and me to explain myself all the time. What’s going on, Auntyji? Meenakshi (24), Mysore.

Auntyji says I am not sure who needs the help here – you or your bf? Chalo, let’s discuss...

Toh ji Meenakshi, what makes you feel that you are in a healthy relationship? What’s so healthy about this relationship? Can you please tell me? The questioning about your fun time in a work related set-up or checking your phone and records or the constant arguing – which one is healthy?

'Chaalu cheez'
I guess you are talking about the fact that he is great company – you have lots in common and you do a lot together. You love the time you share together, and all of that. And he has some very good qualities, that’s great too. Being soft-spoken wins my favour, no doubt. Yeh toh hai ki, he is not yelling out his disapproval. But because he is saying it softly and repeatedly, does not mean he is not saying it, madam. Disdainful and disapproving but soft spoken. Chaluuu cheez!

I think you have been won over by his admission that he trusts you, but not them. But them, who? Your pals, your colleagues, your supervisors? Have any of them ever given you a reason to mistrust them? Anyone given you a line, flirted with you, made a pass, a proposition, cheap joke? Anyone?

You spend at least eight hours a day with them everyday? And lover boy, how long does he know them since? Has he even met them eight times? How much does he know them that he has decided not to trust them? Wah ji?! Bada aaya Karmachand jasoos!

Love and equality?
And you, madam, really? Healthy relationship? Really, Meenakshi? You’re kidding, right? The man is controlling you in so many ways and all you can see is how soft-spoken he is? And you are ok with explaining yourself, again and again for having had a good time? You just enjoyed your time with friends and colleagues – uske liye you have to give him 15 reasons? So that after you have explained why you did what you did, he can restart his rut by poking holes in your arguments because he is “safe-guarding” you from all those work wolves?

When do you find the time to have that “wonderful time” you said you do? You think you owe him these lonnngggg explanations for having a fun, innocent, non-sexual, no-strings-attached time? Is this your understanding of love and equality, beta? Let me tell you bluntly, it’s neither – neither love nor equal. You are being silly and blind! Jhalli ladki!

Disaster guaranteed
Suno beta ji, I can make a four-page list as to what could be going on in your head which makes you accept this sort of behaviour. You can find it anywhere on the net actually. Try taking a ‘How healthy is my relationship’ sort of test, and see where you score. Towards the bottom end, I can predict.

Kudiye, whatever happened to rejoicing in each others’ fun and happiness as an indicator of the proverbial good times? Hain beta ji? Whatever happened to “I am so happy you had a good time baby doll sone di...,” “Your colleagues are really cool peeps, darling, let’s meet up once in a while,” – when was it that you heard these golden words, if ever?

Come on Meenakshi, do you really deserve this close monitoring and scrutiny? Have you committed some heinous crime to merit this? Beta ji, control and power cannot be ingredients in any relationship, no way! That is a sure shot recipe for disaster, I can tell you. This relationship is heading south – may I add, silently!

Time for change
Meenakshi, showing jealousy, envy and possessiveness, is not a sign of love and trust. It is a sign of amassing control by a very insecure individual. You young folks often confuse it for the former. This might initially make you feel very special but soon the same possessiveness begins to choke you.

Take a deep breath rani beti, you need to seriously change your mindset and then your reasons as to how you view your relationship. And while you’re in the process of considering change, you might want to consider changing one more thing – the way your soft-spoken lasso lunging over treats you. You definitely need to sit down and speak to him. Find out if he can bring some change in his behaviour too. If not, the rest is really up to you… Thande dimaag se kaam lo bete, what more can I say?

To protect the author's privacy, the person in the photo is a model.

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Ram Sharma
Tue, 07/22/2014 - 12:19
""showing jealousy, envy and possessiveness, is not a sign of love and trust. It is a sign of amassing control by a very insecure individual."" Please tell me who isn't insecure in this world for the reasons that we have around us?
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