No orgasms
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Nine years, zero orgasms

By Josephine Dias Wednesday, August 23, 2017 - 11:23
It is very common for women to not orgasm via penetrative sex. Is that stressing you out as well? We speak to a young woman, who missed out on the big O for nine long years, and how she finally ended the drought.

Janice Mehta, 28, HR professional, Bangalore (name changed on request)

The problem

I was attracted to Samuel from the first go. He had a lean body and good stamina and was very sensitive to my needs. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other and by the third date, we were in bed together. The first time, I didn’t climax but it did not bother me much. After all, we women rarely orgasm, do we?

I didn’t think it was an issue because the sex was hot. As the months passed by and I didn’t orgasm, he, however, started asking me if I was actually enjoying myself in bed. I started questioning myself too. However, the fact that Samuel knew my body well and knew what gave me pleasure made our sex enjoyable. My problem was that the traditional sex; penis to vagina, just didn’t help me reach climax. We both weren’t too keen on oral or anal sex, mostly for hygiene reasons (we are both obsessed with cleanliness).

The fact about no orgasms in our relationships started playing at the back of my mind. Was something wrong with him or with me? Did we need help? What made it worse was that I was still attracted to him but he didn’t believe it because I (my body) wasn’t showing it.

The helplines  

My so called experienced girlfriends gave me advice and suggestions on how to climax, mainly because they were afraid he would leave me for someone who did orgasm. Funnily enough, both of us thought the same thing; he thought I would leave him for someone who would please me.

Soon, we lost count on the number of sex tips we got from our friends - ranging from a threesome, what products to use, and even a playlist that was guaranteed to put me in the mood! I find it so hilarious now, but initially, it felt like I had a problem.

It felt like there was something ‘wrong’ with us and with our sex life.  

The solution

I think we were one step away from going to a sex therapist. We loved each other and didn’t want sex to be the thing that drove us apart. Luckily for us, we did the next best thing. We started reading. The more we read--online articles, medical guides, material my gynaecologist gave me; the more we realised that maybe this wasn’t that big a problem.  

We both have now accepted that it is possible to enjoy sex without a traditional orgasm. But the fact that he was interested in making me climax led us to innovate. We decided to give oral sex a try. We started slow but we learned together how to satisfy each other and yet ensured we are being safe and clean. One day, he suggested I masturbate in front of him. I thought it was weird but to my surprise, it turned him on. Watching his reaction turned me on too! So now, we watch each other pleasure ourselves and that’s really exciting for us. We sext each other and he’s gotten really good at talking dirty (pro tip: this is a big turn on for women).  And, we’ve found that making out in public is something that is really sexy, so we do that too.         

For us, intimacy matters a lot and that doesn’t necessarily mean just sex. We’ve spent nights, naked and cuddled with each other, talking and just lying still enjoying each other’s warmth.

So yes, it’s been nine years we’ve been together and I’m yet to climax from penetrative sex. But, he does and I enjoy that. The best part: we don’t use sex as a bargaining chip, ever.

Our relationship is stable and we are getting married in four months!

The person in the picture is a model 

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