Husband and wife
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My wife wouldn't have sex with me

By Arunima Rana Monday, February 13, 2017 - 11:01
Rudra was married for three years but his wife refused to have sex with him. It was an arranged marriage and they liked each other a lot. Read their personal story…

Rudra is a 36-year-old Engineer from New Delhi.

Love at first sight

I met Meera when I moved back to India from the U.S. I was 32, single and well-settled in my career. My parents were getting anxious about me. I wasn't ready for a marriage. Work had kept me really busy and it was hard to meet someone.

Meera was one of my grandmothers’ neighbour’s daughter. My parents thought we would be a good match and arranged a meeting. I agreed to meet as it has always been hard for me to say no to them. I thought I will meet the girl and say I didn't like her and refuse the match.

Contrary to what I had expected, Meera and I really got along. Our first meeting lasted more than two hours. She was about 6 years younger but it felt really comfortable to be with her. We agreed to get married.

We were married within five months. We met a few times before the wedding. We were in different cities but spoke over the phone almost every day. We kissed once too. We decided to wait for some time till we get more intimate. We were finally married. I was happy. We had become close and I had become fond of her.

I was attracted to her and she seemed attracted to me. For the first few days, after the wedding, we kissed and made out but did not have intercourse. She said she wasn’t ready and I didn’t want to rush her. After all, we were strangers till a few months ago.

Sexless marriage

A couple of months passed but we couldn’t move beyond foreplay. Every time I would try to go beyond it, she would refuse or push me away. I remained patient.

We spoke about so many things. We had a life together. We did almost everything together but as soon as I would start speaking about sex, she would brush the conversation away.

 

Almost seven months passed by. It was becoming difficult for me. We started fighting regularly and she started having breakdowns.

I tried talking to her but she would not respond properly. I started becoming worried and I asked her if there was a problem.

After persistently asking for some time, I gave up. We didn't talk about it. Everything else seemed normal but things were awkward in the bedroom. I spoke to one of my closest friends and she suggested we see a doctor.

Almost three years passed. Our situation hadn't changed and things between us were cold. We spoke in social situations. When we were alone, we barely discussed anything unless it was utterly necessary.

 

I could not carry on like this. One day, I got frustrated and I had a very open conversation with her. I told her that I loved her but I needed physical intimacy as well. After much pleading, she agreed to speak to a doctor. I was happy again. I wanted to give it a real chance.

We got help

We went to see a doctor immediately. She heard us and asked Meera some questions. There were a few physical examinations. When we got the reports and we read that everything with Meera was fine.

The doctor said it was most likely a condition called vaginismus. It causes spasmodic contractions in sexual organs that can make penetration painful or even impossible. Research suggests roughly two out of 1000 women have the condition.

This condition caused anxiety and trauma to Meera. A couple of sessions later, she reluctantly agreed to use a dilator and do pelvic floor exercises.

Her problem was psychological. The doctor told us that vaginismus occurs because of psychological reasons. Women with vaginismus believe that intercourse will be painful.

 

A few months after we had been meeting a doctor, Meera broke down again and started speaking to me. She told me that she was sexually abused when she was a child. This was the first time she had spoken to anyone about it.

I was shocked to hear it although I had suspected it could be something like this, that had made her emotionally and physically weak.

She still refuses to tell me who did it to her. I haven't forced her to tell me either. We have been seeing a therapist for almost a year now. We still haven't had sex but it seems like we are making progress. Meera talks about having a family too. The doctor says it might take some time and I am happy to wait.

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