Auntyji Love Matters
Love Matters

My boyfriend blackmails me – what should I do?

By Auntyji Wednesday, July 8, 2015 - 10:20
My boyfriend is a bit controlling towards me. He tends to emotionally blackmail me if I don't do what he wants me to do. I think it's not a big problem. But I thought I'll ask you anyway. Deepika (24), Bangalore.

Auntyji says… “It’s not a big problem...” Who has decided that ji? What is less or more control? Let’s talk…

The man is a “bit controlling.” What exactly does “bit” mean, beta? Ya teh hai, ya nahin hai! Then, he also blackmails you and yet it’s just “a bit controlling”? What will make it explicit to you? When he packs you up in a gunny bag and/or gives you that one tight slap? That too for doing something he thinks you should not have done? Is this what you are waiting for to get the message?

Let’s be very clear, blackmail, showing you down, doubting, guilt tripping – all this and more – are clearly and truly violence. There is nothing called, “pyaar mein do thappad maar deeye.” It’s straight forward violence and a quick and fast assertion of power telling you ladies who is the boss. Got it?

Cover up artist

Waise beta, why do you girls do it? Why are you doing it now, Deepika? Why do you ladies, put so many pardaas, so many cover ups for this sort of behaviour? Why are you in such a hurry to cut the guy so much slack on this?

Beta, please don’t be under the impression that violence is measured only in physical terms... That only hitting and roughing up construes violence. In fact, far from it. The list for what can be termed as violence is really long and clear now.

And the other truth, alarmingly so, is that women don’t like to accept or acknowledge that they may be under the threat. In fact, rather sorry to say, they even glorify their idiotic partners’ behaviours. “Oh my God, he is so jealous, he just can’t see any guy around me yaa. So sweeettt naa... So charmingggg!” Not charming kudiye, it’s harming!

No sugar coating

Women see this kind of behaviour as a display of manliness and mistake it for a demonstration of love. “What’s the point of having a boyfriend, if he is not a little possessive.” But you won’t even come to know when that little possessiveness is going to turn into totally untrusting cruelty!

Beta, this is your life and you have the full right to do things the way you want to. Wear what you want, talk to and hang out with who you like and express yourself freely. Theek hai na? But forcing a partner in big, small, open or quiet and insidious ways to change themselves to how they think you ought to be is plain bullying and arm twisting. Please don’t gift wrap it and put a “with love” tag on it!

What’s keeping them

When we are in a relationship, which is intimate and close, we share a lot with each other. We give feedback, criticise, we correct and advise... Not because we want to show them down, change them, but because we want them to be a better person. That’s the difference.

We accept them for their eccentricities, their odd behaviour their quirks and mannerisms. That’s what makes them them – unique. But if a partner hates everything or almost everything about you, why is s/he with you anyways?

Read more about emotional abuse here!

Let go

And lastly beta, it’s always very hard to accept that someone who professes to love you so much can hurt and harm you to a degree you could never imagine. That’s why we keep covering up. Don’t do it, beta Deepika.

And all you girls out there, and gentlemen too, don’t put up with this controlling, demoing behaviour, the tantrums, hypersenstivity and unrealistic expectations... It’s all violence and don’t waste a day more with such a creature.

Take charge, please! And as far as love goes, it will come someday soon, gift-wrapped, in a brown bag perhaps... Just make sure you don’t chuck that box away. And Deepika, you know you have some house cleaning to do beta. Boyfriend, *&^% pe bech de!

To protect the author's privacy, the person in the photo is a model.

Is your partner controlling towards you? Not sure what to do? Get in touch with Auntyji by commenting below or via Facebook

Stand up against abuse

किस बात की कमी है?

जब हम किसी रिश्ते में होते हैं तो स्वाभाविक है कि हम एक दूसरे के बहुत करीब आ जाये। एक दूसरे की बहुत सी बातोँ को साझा करते हैं। हम सलाह देते हैँ, आलोचना करते हैं, गलती बताते हैं, सुधारने की कोशिश करते हैं और हम ऐसा इसलिए नहीँ करते कि हम उन्हें नीचा दिखाना चाहते हैं या बदलना चाहते हैँ। हम तो केवल उन्हें बेहतर इंसान बनते देखना चाहते हैँ।

हम उन्हें उनके सभी व्यसनों के साथ स्वीकार करते हैँ क्योंकि हम उनसे प्यार करते हैं। लेकिन अगर कोई साथी हर समय और हर बात पर आपसे नफरत करने लगे तो सवाल यह उठता है कि आप दोनो साथ क्यों हैं?

भावनात्मक अत्याचार के बारे में और पढ़िए!

जाने भी दो यारो

और बेटा मैँ जानती हूँ कि ये स्वीकार करना बहुत मुश्किल है कि जो व्यक्ति तुमसे प्यार करने का दावा करता है, वो तुम्हे इतनी तकलीफ कैसे पहुंचा सकता है, और शायद इसीलिए हम इस तरह के लोगोँ की हरकतो पर पर्दा डालते रहते हैं। लेकिन तू ऐसा बिलकुल मत कर दीपिका।

और तुम सभी लड़कियों और लड़कों से मेरी यही गुज़ारिश है कि इस तरह के नियंत्रण रखने वाले, नीचा दिखाने वाले और ज़रूरत से ज्यादा उम्मीद रखने वाले बर्ताव को बर्दाश्त मत करो क्यूंकि ये सब हिंसा के ही स्वरुप हैं। और ऐसे व्यक्ति के साथ एक भी दिन और  गुजारना ग़लत है।

अपनी ज़िंदगी की जिम्मेदारी उठाओ! प्यार तब तक ही प्यार है जब तक उसमेँ एक दूसरे के लिए सम्मान और विश्वास हो। नहीँ तो इस प्यार के कोई मायने नहीं हैं। ऐसे बॉयफ्रेंड को @#$ पे बेच दो!

लेखक की गोपनीयता के लिए यहाँ एक मॉडल की तस्वीर दिखाई गयी है।

क्या आपका साथी आप पर ज़ोर चलाता है? आंटीजी को बताइये, यहाँ यहाँ नीचे लिखकर या फेसबुक पर।

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