He wants more sex, I do not. Help!
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He wants more sex, I do not. Help!

By Auntyji Thursday, September 26, 2019 - 21:24
Hi Aunty ji, I like sex but my partner wants it daily. Our desires don’t match and it’s really making us argue. I love him but how to handle this situation. Keerthi, 25, Chennai.

Auntyji says, ‘Betaji this seems like a difficult situation! But worry not puttar! Let's look at it'. 

General misconception

One general error that people seem to be having is that because you are in a relationship – you must be making out – all the time, everyday – as if that is an indication of your love, your compatibility quotient. 

So not the case! 

Nor is this fantastic idea that sex fixes everything! Who says this? Batao. Is this improving anything between the two of you? No, far from it, yes? So you see it’s not about what he wants ONLY – there has to be a system which works for both.

For loves’ sake

So what are we going to do? Frankly, Keerthi dear – its a very tough call. I know that many of us –of whatever gender we may be – often times succumb to sexual desires and demands of our partners – for love, for the sake of the relationship, for togetherness. 

It’s what we call in the North, chalta hai –you just go along!

But actually – it’s not how it should be in a relationship. One day it catches up with you and you realise, ‘My body may be in this act but my head isn’t – my heart isn’t, when did this happen and why did I let it.‘ 

After all you got into this relationship for reasons of the heart. You say you love him, so when did these rules change ? 

It’s ok 

Keerthi beta, wouldn't life have been easier if our desires matched with our partner – always? Jara socho tab kya hota? We both would watch the same TV channel, we both may eat at the same restaurant and we both would go for the same movie! Sounds absolutely unreal. Haina

Yes, the reality is far from this. Besides being unrealistic, our desires (and I am not even talking about just sexual desires) aren’t set in stone. They undergo a change over the course of our lives for various reasons – stress, trauma, childbirth, ageing, birth of a child, side effects of various medicines like birth control pills, physical pain, etc.  

If you and your partner do not have the same libido these days, don’t panic. In fact, it's quite common for couples – especially those who have been together since long, to deal with mismatched sexual desires at some point in their lives. 


Take some ‘me-time’ and talk to yourself. Introspect. Think of the time you both got into the relationship, enjoyed each other’s company and couldn’t keep hands off each other. Remember that mushy feeling when you always wanted to be close to him? When did it change? Think about it.

Did he stop caring about your pleasure? Did he start to spend less time on foreplay? Are you too tired because of your work/household chores and left with no energy for sex at the end of the day? Did his sexual desires change all of a sudden and you are not able to match up to his libido? 

Explore all possible reasons. Only you can have these answers Keerthi. 

Also think about what you like. Do you get excited at the thought of making-out in a different position? Does it excite you when you imagine him doing it differently than he is now? Is he spending less time talking to you or being your friend than he was earlier? Is there a communication gap which has placed you both on different wavelengths? 

And even if things have always been like this and you have always had a mismatch in your desires, it is still time to think. What do you like? What do you not like? Why did you not communicate your feelings to him? What has stopped you so far? Could things be different?

Keerthi beta, when you have a clearer picture of yourself – talk to him. 

Baat karne se…

Puttar ji, have you heard that dialogue that baat karne se hee baat banti hai? So, talk to him. On a weekend when you both are at home, order your favourite food (not just his favorite food, but your favourite food too!) and tell him you want to talk about something. 

Share what you have on your mind. Pour out your innermost feelings to him – how you feel about being asked for sex everyday. Ask him how he feels about you not enjoying the sex, yet doing it for his sake. Ask him how he feels about you. 

When you both open up and address the issues, the next step is to come to some conclusion on how to get out of this situation. 

If he is willing to spend more time on and with you – give him a chance. And most importantly – be receptive. Taali ek haath se nahi bajti na! You both have to use your hands – more often! 

Have you heard of that song – Chalo ek baar fir se ajnabi ban jayein hum dono? So, start afresh! 

However, if he seems disinterested to talk about the situation and puts the entire blame on you and does not want to make changes – it’s time to re-think. You may need to spend some time re-thinking about your relationship beta Keerthi. However, this should be the last step. First ...ajnabi ban ke dekho

To protect the identity names have been changed. 

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Bête yani ki unki marji nahi hai, unki marji ka samman kijiye. Aur yadi koi humaare saath nahin rehana chahtey toh kyaa hum unhe force kar saktey hain? Nhain na?!! dekhiye bete yadi who aapke saath rehna chahtey hain so unhe yeh nirnay lena hai, aap unse sirf isliye haan nahi karwa sakte kyunki kewal aap unhe pasand karte hain. https://lovematters.in/hi/resource/love-and-relationships https://lovematters.in/hi/love-and-relationships/meeting-someone/saying-no Yadi aap is mudde par humse aur gehri charcha mein judna chahte hain to hamare discussion board “Just Poocho” mein zaroor shamil ho! https://lovematters.in/en/forum
Beta kahin aap kisi tension, pressure mein toh nahi hain na? Tension ya pressure ke karan bhee ling me tanav ki kami ki samasya ho sakti hai. Yeh samjh lijiye ki ling me tanav ke liye bilkul tanav mukt hona zaruri hai bête. Jis baaray mein aur yaha padh lijiye : https://lovematters.in/hi/news/4-signs-you-have-erectile-dysfunction Yadi aap is mudde par humse aur gehri charcha mein judna chahte hain to hamare discussion board “Just Poocho” mein zaroor shamil ho! https://lovematters.in/en/forum
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