unstable boyfriend
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My bf banged his head into the wall!

By Auntyji Thursday, January 23, 2020 - 17:18
Hi Aunty ji, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. Last week we had a huge fight and he banged his head into the wall. He has never been like this before and after. What should I do? Kuhika, 19, Salem.

Auntyji says, ‘O teri ki! Is this your bf or a bulldozer!’

On the brink

You may say, Auntyji is taking this grave situation halke mein but honestly beta, let’s not reach a point where he is taking himself or you to the hospital. And frankly, I have very little patience with this kind of behaviour at all. I want to add – nor should you– it really is quite abusive, actually. 

I don’t get my way – I bang my head, you don’t do what I say – I bang your head! Clearly no one is using their head! Nonsense! I tell you, this is sarasar blackmail! Bullying and arm twisting. 

Clever moves

Beta Kuhika, this is no sign of love, it’s a sign of control and manipulation. You tell me – when someone does something like this – what will yours or anyone’s reaction be? You will run to the rescue, stop him, hold him, implore him to never do this nonsense again! And, in the same moment he quickly agrees, adding, you too you must never leave him! 

Done! Conversation closed – ho gayi baat. Wooh! In half a minute, everything has changed! He got his way and your sympathy, you got some guilt and  you are back to the same situation. The fight and the cause/s of it get swept under the carpet, until the next time this behaviour gets repeated. 

Roller coaster ride

Beta I do feel for your boyfriend too – bechara must be really struggling and upset and does not know how to deal with this situation so does what he does. Lekin beta, this is no way of getting your own back – this is no way of asking for love. 

Beta, you cannot take the responsibility of someone who is out to harm himself – now or in the future. When we are in love, we hope to be in a place where we are at ease, where we can just sit back and relax and be yourself, where you can enjoy each other’s presence like a flower scented breeze. 

You definitely don’t want to be watching and minding yourself all the time! Who knows when this person will visphote into something  - ki kya pata when that gentle breeze becomes a tumultuous storm. That’s not love – that’s trauma. 

Time to think

Have a chat. Either ensure he stops this behaviour – or you may have to stop this relationship. Talk to him – this is a non negotiable. This kind of bullying tactics are no good for any relationship, not to mention how harmful and blatantly dangerous they can be for him. He really could harm himself and well, next can be you. 

You may also want to encourage him to get help in dealing with his own emotions. He needs to get to the source of his frustration and might benefit from professional advice. 

The bigger question is – do you want to sort out your real differences and work on those or would you like to see this display of anger more on than off ? Is that the sort of a place you want to be in? 

 Decide sooner than later. 


*To protect the identity, names have been changed.

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