If he loves me why does he hit me
Love Matters India

If he loves me why does he hit me?

By Auntyji Thursday, August 23, 2018 - 11:28
My partner hits me sometimes when he is angry but otherwise says he loves me a lot and can’t live without me. I am very confused. Nisha, 29, Mathura.

Auntyji says, ‘You tell me Nisha, why does he hit you? What have you figured out?’

Old pattern

This is a typical routine. I can almost hear it. It’s not got anything to do with him – poor chap just ‘gets enraged’. It may be anyone’s fault – the boss, the traffic, his mother, the dhobi, the kids – he gets enraged and he hits you. Poor fellow! Looks like the entire kaynaat is plotting against him – ‘getting him enraged’.  Sounds ridiculous? It is. So is his claim – of being provoked and equally the profession of love.

What about you?

Nisha beta, how does it feel when he hits you? Do you think – ‘he will soon apologise, all will be well, we will be lovey- dovey again, maybe make out, so it's fine – ek thappad aur sahi. One more please’! Not na? Far from it, yes? It hurts. It hurts your body, it hurts your self-respect and shakes your self-confidence. There is nothing ok about this, nothing about love at all. It’s not Nisha, quit kidding yourself.

Manufacturing defect

Men who hit will do it at any pretext. And soon it becomes a habit – a ritual. He gets mad, he hits you, you cry or become sad, he feels bad, he manaos you, you throw a tantrum, he is so loving – you give in. Read, you give up. You give up your hurt, your anger, your power and he takes it all. Maybe he feels bad also for that while thinking, bechari ko asie hee peet diya…but I was so angry’. He justifies it to himself, you do the same. End of the subject – till the next time.  Action replay. Sounds familiar?

Use it right

Satta – power is a very tricky thing, Nisha. It can be used to change the world and it can be used to annihilate a person’s self-esteem, cause hurt and harm and weaken the person. Violence feeds on someone who seems weaker, someone who lets it be, who gives in. Be not confused my dear. Hitting, beating, yelling screaming, anything that harms you and your dignity in any way – is violence – is not love. Its control and power. Koi shaq nahin. Yeh Ishq nahin.

Why not you

Beta Nisha, gussa to aapko bhi aata hoga? Same issues, boss at work, traffic, house help, no help…so do you go and start whacking the spouse, once in a while? So how come he uses this route to express his anger?

Wasie bhi, violence for violence is no recourse. You do not do it – why not? And if you can resist the desire or feeling of hitting anyone, you use your good sense and do it – right? Why doesn’t he? Tell him you don’t feel love when he hits you. It has to stop – at any cost.

That may enrage him too and the consequence you know. What do you think you will do Nisha? Try, just saying, NO. Or call a helpline, or the police, or a friend… end this ‘unique’ expression of love, asap.

*To protect the identity, names have been changed and the person/s in the picture is/are models.

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