Fat model
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Always a buddy, never the lover

*Karishma, a 30-something woman from Delhi tells Love Matters how her 80 kgs always weighed more in the minds of men in her life than her wit, warmth and confidence and the numerous heartbreaks that followed.

Motu, fatso, jumbo  

I remember being called names since I was a little girl in school. Over the years, these names only helped to confirm that I was ugly, stupid, brainless, clumsy, unattractive and absolutely good for nothing. It also left me without any friends and very very lonely.

It was a blessing in disguise when we moved to Bangalore after my school. I wanted to start life afresh. I started making a conscious effort to make friends in college. Soon I was not lonely anymore. People around me realised that beyond my layers of fat, I was fun, intelligent, helpful and caring.

First crush

*Raghu and I were classmates. But in my mind, he was much more than just that. We used to hang out together, both in a group or sometimes just us. He turned to me for everything, all the time, which led me to believe that I was the lady in his life. He proved me wrong on his birthday.

‘Hey Karishma, meet *Tara’ said Raghu, with his arm wrapped around her shoulder. That moment, when I saw them together I knew it. Raghu never looked at me the way he looked at Tara. He never held me the way he held her. I started feeling sick and wanted to leave immediately when I heard Raghu tell Tara, ‘You know, Karishma is a sweetheart! A real buddy!’

Of course! That’s what I was, a great buddy and not much more! Because, at 75 kgs, I was not the size that guys like their girlfriends to be.

True love?

After college, I moved to Hyderabad for my first job. That’s where I met *Jayant. He was a friend’s friend and we often went for movies, parties and plays together. We started talking over the phone and realized we shared a common passion for theatre, classical music, books and fine arts.

Jayant used to come over to my bachelor pad sometimes and for the first time in my life, I felt wanted. I knew he truly cared. We also started getting physically intimate. I loved the way he kissed me. One evening when we were at our place, we got into a tiff over something silly.

Jayant, who was a few years older to me, was irritably shouting at his mother over the phone about how he did not even want to think of marriage at this point of his life and career. I suggested he speak to his mother about our relationship so she wouldn’t keep bringing up the topic. Of course, marriage was not on the agenda anytime soon, for me either.

That’s when he blurted it out. ‘Karishma, I love you but I’m sorry I don’t think I can ever marry you.’ For a minute I did not know what to say. And he continued, ‘I can’t even think of making love to you, it's repulsive!’ REPULSIVE.

The word tore into my heart, mind, body and soul like I had been stabbed. I could not react. Jayant immediately regretted what he had said but it was too late. I quietly asked him to leave and he did. That night I wanted to end my life. I sat up all night crying and eating. Watching the sun come up from my 12th-floor balcony, I told myself, ‘there is more to life than love and men’.

Me over Mr Right  

Over the next few years,  I understood that I will always be a great buddy, a best friend, even a sister, but never the girlfriend. Only because I don’t look like one, in spite of my pretty face. Though, initially that hurt, soon it reached a stage where I didn’t care anymore.

Instead, I focused on myself and my career. And then there was no stopping. And no waiting for Mr Right to walk into my life. Who needed him?  

*To protect the identity, names have been changed and the person/s in the picture is/are models.

Have you found it difficult to find love over body issues? Share with Love Matters (LM) on our Facebook page. If you have a specific question, please ask LM experts on our discussion forum.

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