Palak, 20, studies in a Delhi college.
Beginning of a wonderful time
I had moved to an independent flat for my undergraduate course. The accommodation had been booked via an app so I had never met my flat mate before. I was very doubtful and apprehensive about the stranger I would be sharing my living space with.
Roohi, my roommate, had already moved in and settled so I went to her room to say my hello. I spotted her reading my favourite book by Sidney Sheldon. I squealed in excitement and we began talking about it. That was just the beginning of a wonderful seven years.
As the time passed, we became really thick. I remember one day when Roohi had to go for an entrance exam. She was a bit dubious about where to keep her cellphone as they at times get stolen in the exam centres. I reassured her, ‘You will just be fine without your phone. People survived in the early days without mobile phones too. Go, give your paper and it will all be good.’
I sent Roohi for her exams but I was panicking a bit about if she would really be fine. So I decided to surprise her and went to pick her up.
Attraction towards men?
One Sunday we sat from morning till noon and she asked me if I had had any affairs in the past or if I liked any guy in college?
It was then that I told her that I did not feel enough attraction towards my boyfriend Rajan. Though I had been dating him for the last six months, I could not bring myself to love him. However, I also secretly had a crush on Kareena Kapoor, I told her.
She reacted to this by saying, ‘Actually I am also not sure about men and I too want to explore things with women. Just waiting for the right one! Something feels incomplete with men around me.’ We both discussed this and perfectly understood each other.
After this, we got busy with life as usual. She overwhelmed me and won my heart completely when she once supported me over her mother. Her mother was visiting us and did not like me much. Once, she picked up a fight with me for no reason accusing me of spoiling her daughter and other things that I never did.
Roohi intervened saying, ‘I trust Palak and she cannot do these things no matter what you say.’
I was very thankful and the matter lay forgotten. Meanwhile, Rajan wanted me to invest more time in the relationship while I felt nothing with him. So on my birthday when he wanted to have sex with me, I broke up with him. When Roohi came to know about it, she hugged me and said everything would be ok. To cheer me up on my birthday evening, she came into my room with two glasses of wine.
Have you ever kissed a woman?
Soon, we both were pretty high. Then, Roohi said, ‘Hey Palak, have you ever kissed a woman?’ I did not know how to react.
‘I like my flatmate and find her very hot’, I finally mustered up the courage to reply.
And soon we both were kissing. At first it was exhilarating for a few seconds but later I realised that I did not feel the way I felt while kissing men. I just did not want to go any further. I broke the kiss and we both laughed it off.
This incident really confused me. I realised that I still enjoyed looking at women and found them attractive. But I did not enjoy the kiss or wanted anything more physical. I told Roohi about this and we decided that maybe I felt awkward because we were such good friends.
Decoding my feelings
Roohi considered this and she introduced me to another friend of hers who was a bisexual woman at a party. We both were enjoying our conversation when I leaned in towards her and we kissed each other. This time also I did not enjoy it but I was adamant that I wanted to explore further.
It was still the same. I again broke the kiss and apologised to the friend and told her everything. She understood and said she did not mind.
So, I was only interested in looking at women and admiring them. I also realised that I broke up with Rajan not because I did not like men. It was because we lacked chemistry. I wanted to give myself another chance with men. I am back on Tinder and have dated a few frogs and yet to come across my prince. Roohi and I are still great friends. We live together.
To protect the identity, the person in the picture is a model and names have been changed.