Naina, 27, is a student at Delhi University and a woman with disability.
Replacing the physical touch?
It started as a phrase when I began craving for a physical relationship in my life. I wanted to get physical with someone I could trust but my relationships didn't work out well. I was heartbroken and sad. Yes, I did want a serious relationship but I felt like I will never be able to satisfy myself sexually. I was frustrated with my life.
I read an article online about vibrators and other sex toys and thought of exploring the whole idea of buying one. But can sex toys replace the physical touch? I wasn't really convinced initially but eventually wondered, why not! It took nearly six months to convince myself.
It was hard to get over the fact that I, a woman with a disability, too have sexual desires. My mother helps me with various chores at home so there was no way I could have not shared this with her.
Seeking mom’s approval
Eventually, I gathered the courage to talk to her about a vibrator. It was a Sunday evening and Mumma was in a good mood. I started the conversation about my desires and then shifted it to sex and my sexual desires and asked her how should I satisfy myself.
She was a little concerned about me having sex with a guy, so she recommended that I should maybe buy a sex toy.
‘Can I really buy a sex toy?’ I blurted out immediately and she said yes.
Search for the best one
I began searching online for the one toy that will suit the best. It was a tough job because, being a person with a disability known as Cerebral Palsy (a condition that affects a person's ability to move and maintain balance and posture), I didn't know if I could hold on to the vibrator properly.
I had a lot of questions while searching for the perfect one. I checked out various types of toys on various websites that made me more confused than ever. I couldn't choose a toy because I didn't think that I would be able to handle it.
I even had to take guidance from my younger cousin's sister, which was a little embarrassing but she was understanding and helpful to me. My best friend (a guy) also helped me a lot.
After many months of research, I finally found 'the one'. I found a sex toy that would be perfect to hold on to.
Not turning me on
Once delivered, the toy sat perfectly in my hands and I was really happy about it. However, I didn't understand how to use it.
I tried to put it on my sensitive parts and I could feel the vibration but it wasn't turning me on in any way. As the days went on, I tried to use different methods and tricks that could give me pleasure. I tried to use it in many ways but I didn't get turned on.
Run wild with imagination
When I talked to my best friend about it, he had just one piece of advice for me, ‘Let your imagination fly.' Just one piece of advice did a miracle for me, and it did happen.
Not once, not twice but I had an orgasm multiple times. It felt good. It felt awesome. It felt like I was feeling the greatest pleasures of my life. I had never felt like this before.
Why curb desires?
Being a woman with a disability, we are often told by society to curb our desires. Society often considers us as a body that doesn't desire to love and to be loved.
I have even heard people say that we don't deserve to be loved by someone else. I refuse to believe that, I believe that our body may be disabled but not our minds and hearts.
So, dear society let me fly the way I want to in the sky of love and desires. I am now proud to say that with a vibrator coming into my life, I am feeling more physically and mentally independent than I ever was.
Person in the photo is a model. Names changed.
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About the author: Vinayana Khurana is pursuing M.Phil in English literature from Delhi University. She is a woman with Cerebral palsy but that is not her identity. She's a writer, a poet and a Comic Artist. You can reah her out on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and LinkedIn