Preeti, a person with a disability, is a student at Delhi University.
The first touch
It must have been last year when my boyfriend tried to make out with me. It was a very brief encounter, the details of which I vividly remember. He touched my breasts, and my stomach after kissing me hard on my lips.
I had so many sensations that I have never felt before. Though we just made out for a couple of minutes and he left, I had the sudden desire to touch myself too!
It was then that I started my journey to discover myself, sexually.
Not a good-girl thing?
I always thought that touching my body is something to be ashamed of. It’s not what good girls do, I thought. I felt like I was doing a bad thing but somewhere I felt the need of playing sexually with my body.
I was really ashamed. I thought I should research this on the internet. I did and what I found out was a mix of erotic yet porn stuff. But when I narrowed down my search on how to pleasure myself, I found an article about the ‘magic love button’ in a woman called the clitoris, which gives pleasure to women.
Finding my own clit
That night, I touched myself with my fingers and started going deep. I tried to touch my vagina everywhere, with a clitoris diagram in front of me! After many hits and trials, a spot where I touched felt super sensitive and I just couldn't stop stroking it - bingo! I had found my clitoris it seemed.
I felt all kinds of sensations all over the body. I have never felt like this before. I felt turned on. Though my physical disability made my muscles all over the body tight and I was also in a bit of pain, the pleasure was too much to ignore. I didn't want to let go of it.
Feeling guilty of pleasure
When I felt this pleasure for the first time, I felt guilty. I questioned myself if it was right to feel this kind of pleasure? As a woman with a disability, we are often told that we are not capable of doing certain things in life. One of them is having sex or feeling sexual pleasure. I was feeling guilty about this pleasure for a long time now. I didn't know how to get over my guilt.
Talking about my pleasure
There is a friend of mine, with whom I can talk about anything. I had a deep conversation with her about sexuality and pleasure. I also told her about feeling guilty about sexual pleasure. She told me how we as women have always been a pleasurable thing to men. We don't have any control over our pleasure.
As a woman, I'm establishing control over my body. After a year of self-discovery, I feel more confident about myself. I feel happy and satisfied. I love myself and my body.
To protect the identity, the person in the picture is a model and names have been changed.
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