*Vinita, 24, is a Delhi University postgraduate and loves to write poetry.
Body bound, not the heart
I have cerebral palsy since birth – a condition where some of our body movements are restricted. I was in class fifth when I fell in love. I wasn’t attracted to Ankur solely because of his looks, he was hot, but his attitude. He would always help me, ask me about my day and get me things I needed. It made me feel special.
This was my first brush towards the feeling called love. It was beautiful and I enjoyed every second of it.
Feelings into words
Ankur and I literally grew up together. When it was time for us to leave school, I knew I had to tell Ankur how I felt about him. I decided to put my feelings into words. It was around afternoon that I started typing the email. I told him how I have always loved him and admired him for always being there for me.
I was shivering head to toe while writing the email. The nervousness did not leave me even after hitting the send button. Ankur replied within half an hour, but It felt like the longest 30 minutes ever.
I scanned the emailed hungrily to see if it had the words, I so wanted to see. No, he hadn’t replied, 'I love you too’. Tears ran down my eyes. I felt sad but there was something that took me back to his email.
Nothing changed
Ankur’s email was the sweetest message I have ever received. I still remember his exact words.
He said he respected how I felt for him and called me a ‘really special friend’. He also promised things would always remain the same for the rest of our lives.
We have met at several school reunions since and he has kept this promise. Nothing has changed between us but also not in my life. I am still single.
I know my disability came in the way. So was I silly to have confessed my love?
I have thought about it many times since. I feel I did the right thing by writing to Ankur that day. At least, I don’t have to worry about what if. I expressed how I felt and I know many who haven’t had the chance to say how they felt and also without losing a dear friend.
I also haven’t lost hope. I am sure that I would find an amazing partner, who would understand me beyond my disabilities and who would find love and companionship in me.
*To protect the identity, names have been changed.
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About the author: Vinayana Khurana is pursuing M.Phil in English literature from Delhi University. She is a woman with Cerebral palsy but that is not her identity. She's a writer, a poet and a Comic Artist. You can reah her out on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and LinkedIn