Aunty ji
Love Matters India

I'm attracted to older men – is that ok?

By Auntyji Tuesday, September 3, 2013 - 17:05
Q: I'm attracted to men who are about 10 years older than me. Whenever I try to date someone my age I find them too eager or boring. My present boyfriend is 12 years older than me. Am I a pervert to be attracted to older men? Sabiha (21), Coimbatore

Auntyji says... Oh ho, what a question jiii! Wonderful!

Let me first put it out fair and square – when I hear about an age gap in a relationship of 10 years or more, I hear alarm bells – khatre ki ghanti! Usually, such relationships are equated with power and a misuse of it, and usually a woman is the victim. I am giving you a very black and white, perhaps more commonly seen scenario – of course, its need not always be true.

Exciting Now let’s come to you. Right now you are 21 and he is 32. Being attracted to an older guy could be for a number of reasons. Let’s go over a few of them.

It’s damn exciting! He looks different, talks different, is just so cool – when you all hang out, in a pool of boys, yours is a man! Match that with his smarter, more established setup – perhaps a car or bike, perhaps a place to stay, where things are taken care of, not a grungy ole comfy PG accommodation with four of your goofy pals sharing. He seems so much in control. Oh my Goddd! Super exciting!

Money... And with all that experience behind him, he knows a bit more, sounds smarter than the smartest guy in your class and just carries himself so much more confidently. And the care he lavishes on you – oh! Treats you like a goddess! Smooth as silk.

Then he has a career – he is on a path, he’s going somewhere, somewhere where you and your pals have no idea where and how to get to. He is in control of his life.

He has the money – now don’t flip! I know you are not in it for the money – but darling, he has it, let’s accept it, you live on pocket money. So he can buy things, do what he wants with that money – big turn-on!

...and sex! And sexually, maybe even a bigger turn-on. He perhaps knows what to do, what he wants – and is ready to express it or try to be bold and beautiful in bed. This many times is singularly a good enough reason to want to be with an older man, I would say.

And add to all this, he chose you to be his girl! He could have had anyone else – but he chose you. Now how special would that make any girl feel? So far so good.

So let’s say, it was you who perused him and got him to his knees, to fall madly in love with you, maybe you call the shots in this and all your relationships – all good. When things and matters turn, no one can tell.

Checklist So nothing is wrong with you, and you don’t make the pervert list – but you surely are on a red alert list. The alert being only for you.

Just be aware, be very aware. Keep a close eye on yourself – are you unwittingly giving in to some or the other power situation? Are you his little plaything? Are you giving him too much control over you? Are you giving up too much of your own self to keep this relationship? Are you doing it to seem different and cool? Are you just so taken up by how he manages not just his own but even your life? How much in charge he is?

Keep an eye on yourself beta, are you making some really unsmart decisions to be in this relationship? Do a daily checklist – yes daily! Rest is really your own thing, you are an adult after all. Just keep a close tab on yourself.

Auntyji is sponsored by DKT.

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