Fear of missing out
I was born and brought up in Bhopal, so my life was not very happening; not for me at least! I had a conservative family where going out with friends on a Sunday evening required permission. So, when I moved to Mumbai, I wanted to enjoy my new found freedom.
All my college friends had boyfriends and most of them had even had sex. But I was still a virgin at 22! So I had a major fear of having missed out on sex.
In my first month of college, I had kissed two guys. But then the lockdown happened due to Covid-19. Thanks to dating apps, connecting to guys was not so hard. But sex was still out of my comfort zone.
Then after a couple of months I met Rishab. We went on a date after chatting over the phone for two months and he seemed to be a sensitive guy. Not one of those over-enthusiastic types who're dying to have sex with any girl they'll get.
New Year’s Eve was approaching and he asked me if I would like to spend this with him, at his flat. I couldn’t say no. The year 2020 was so dull and I wanted to make sure that 2021 begins with something new - having sex for the first time. I was so ready mentally. At least that’s what I told him and myself!
‘Just do it’
December 31 came. He got free from his work and I reached his place around late evening. We both had tea and later sat in the balcony and held each other’s hands. He moved his chair closer to mine. Kissing began and I felt blood rushing to my face. My skin felt warm.
‘Are you alright?’ Rishab asked.
I told him I was fine. We continued making out in the bedroom. In a few minutes, we were naked. He saw me shivering and asked if I was alright.
‘We'll stop if you're uncomfortable,’ he said.
I was sure my resistance would come up but that day I had made up my mind to have sex. It was my wish. I didn't want to stay a virgin in the new year and so I was going to do it. It was almost 12 and I was going to have sex and it was making me excited as well as scared.
‘Promise me you'll do as I say,’ I told him. He nodded. 'You hold my hands and thrust. If you keep on asking me, I'll say no because all the feelings (this is wrong, what would my parents say etc etc) will come rushing to me. But you go ahead. You push your penis in, I'm telling you.’
That wonderful feeling
However, my words made him stop.
‘Jyoti, I am not going to do that! If you say no then it’s a no for me. I am sorry but I can’t help you fight your battle. I am ready to wait till you can get yourself to be completely ready’, he said as the clock struck 12.
As the new year began, I was still a virgin but a happy one. I am glad Rishab stopped him and I from doing something I wasn’t ready for. We enjoyed the rest of the night cuddling and fell asleep talking to each other. It was a wonderful feeling. That's how I began my new year and a new relationship - with my body and with Rishab.
To protect the identity, the person in the picture is a model and names have been changed.
About the author: Arpit Chhikara loves to read, write, draw and take long walks while listening to podcasts. Besides writing on various themes related to SRHR, he also works in the alternative education domain. When not at home, you can find him living in lesser-known places in India. You can check him on Instagram.