Auntyji Love Matters
Love Matters

Will he find out I'm not a virgin?

By Auntyji Tuesday, December 22, 2015 - 14:21
I recently had sex with my ex! Will my future husband know that I am not a virgin? What should I do now? I’m so worried. Please help me! Priya (26), Allahabad…

Auntyji says… Oye! Calm down kudiye, take a deep breath or two... and let’s get talking…

Big issue, small tissue

So you had an affair with a sexual component and now it’s wedding time, you think he will get to know? Well, not really! Not unless you decide to tell him. So before you get there, let’s check what the real give-aways are to this whole virginity game.

First and foremost, the issue over a little tissue! The hymen. What it is, you can read up. What it is not, is as follows. The hymen can break at any small provocation – running, cycling, jumping, any sport and even something as plain as sitting on the floor doing a swab, ponchaa, as we call it!

So how is the hymen considered to be the final witness of a girl having had sex? It beats me! In fact when the hymen does break, outside of sexual activity, girls often mistake it with interim spotting or menstrual flow! Pretty regular stuff.

Watch this video to get some key answers about virginity:

Expectations abound

Then there’s this expectation that on her first night the girl will bleed, giving proof and testimony of her purity and virginity! So the assumptions are, there will be sex on the first night itself and there will be blood! 

Sounds to me like the girl is a sacrificial lamb of some sort, a bali ka bakra, or bakri! What nonsense is this? You guys are so dying to be different and yet endorse these rubbish older than centuries myths? You guys yourself still perpetuate this proof of virginity absurdity?!

So let’s say there is no blood, by the way, it’s just a few drops, not some copious bucketful as people like to imagine – what then? No blood, girl no good? Really?

So that makes me question, what do you base your relationship on? Is it the person you have grown to love and desire or is it the fact that she has not “given herself” to any one, as yet? Wow!

Who is this supposed to validate – the girl or the partner-to-be who thinks, “I am so special that she ‘kept herself’ for me.” So what is the opening line for matrimonial alliances these days, “Hi I am Seeta/ Susie/ Shagufta/ Sharanjeet... and I am a virgin.” Is that who you ladies are these days?

Proof enough

Haan haan, I can hear you all whispering, “You don’t understand how men are, you don’t get it, men want virgins...” Ya ya... men want virgins and they want proof, right! And you, what do you want? To be the proof provider?

That you are a smart, sexy, suave, ambitious, loving, kind person, who will be a wonderful partner, does all that have no significance?

Ladies, get over this fear yourself, first! Stop being these frightened little doves, who anyone can scare. Once you are able to get over the shame and horror of not being “the virgin,” you are in a much better place to be calm and composed about it, handle it much better than you’re doing just now!

On my word

So here’s another one, what “proof” are men displaying, by the way? What bloody evidence of their loyalty do they have to provide, what are they breaking? Nothing! So then?

It is just their word, is it not? And you believe it and base your life on it. Done! So then why are you not given the same dues, the rules? It’s your word, done!

Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting you hide anything, far from it. If you feel your partner can handle it, fine, but if you even remotely feel they may flip at the idea, then darling, for one, the person has double standards, (do you want to spend your entire life with a guy like that?) and secondly, will this “truth” help you in anyway? Will it act as cement for your future or result in cracks which you will struggle to fill for the rest of your life?

Truth, betaji, is not easy to stomach.

Things to do

So beta Neesha, take a deep breath and get over this “what if”? What if he has a small penis? What if he is a premature ejaculator...? What if he doesn’t know the difference between a vulva and a volvo... what will you do?

Drive away on a one way ticket... no na!? You will “work it out.” See and give reason, find ways to get over these very possible scenarios! So, try the same now!

By the way, is your wedding outfit ready? The blouse fits? The make-up artist in place? And why not go on a date with your future husband? After all you are going to be married soon!

To protect the author's privacy, the person in the photo is a model. First published on 26 May 2015.

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Comments
Hi, I m 24 years.my parents are searching for matches for me but I have a boyfriend and I m not a virgin also .we are not sure whether we will get married or not .my boyfriend loves me very much .But my parents want me to get married to other guy.what should I do ? I can't leave my parents and go with him as I m only daughter .I can't break their respect,prestige in society .only thing i can do is marrying the other guy just for the sake of my parents .but i cant be happy with that arranged marriage.what should I do? if I got married to other guy will he know that I m not virgin .please suggest me
deepika koul
Mon, 01/16/2017 - 14:32
I am not virgin can my husband came to know that I know its also caused by some activities But can blood can flow again
Aunty ji I had sex vit ma ex last year twice in same month n I bleeded very much Nw v broke up due to family problems nw my parents r lukg for my marriage am so scared if he got to no am not virgin anymore than what will happen to me if spread the truth to all especially my parents than I have no option than die . Am so worried am planning to do suicide no option left out for me. I no your suggestion will be like tell that yo use do horse riding or cycling if I tell dat also if dnt believe in me Dan ? Plz suggest me
Auntyji
Mon, 02/08/2016 - 17:07

In reply to by Sravya

Dear Sravya, If your are worried about virginity issue, So listen the only way one can make out or guess is if the hymen has broken, which can be for any reason actually. No one can know anyhow about your virginity unless you yourself didn’t admit or tell them about it ok? So don’t worry. http://lovematters.in/hi/resource/faqs-hymen-and-virginity
Hello Deepika bete, the only way one can make out or guess is if the hymen has broken, is that you tell them, if the women tell them,which can be for any reason actually like horse riding, cycling, running or wiping the floor in a sitting position. No one can know anyhow about your virginity unless you yourself didn’t admit or tell them about it ok? So don’t worry. And it is not necesary for women to bleed after first time sex. https://lovematters.in/hi/resource/faqs-hymen-and-virginity If you would like to join in on a further discussion on this topic, join our discussion board, "Just Ask" . https://lovematters.in/en/forum
Suicide is not the answer, beta. Hymen can be torn or stretched in lots of ways without having any kind of sex, or, horse riding, through everyday work, and sports. Some women are even born without a hymen. So, don't worry. Please do not think about taking any drastic measures. As for marriage, are you sure you wanna get married to someone who doesn't have faith in you? A relationship is based on trust, love and mutual respect. So, if your partner to be, can't respect your body and your decisions, and trust you then perhaps you should re-consider marrying him. Don't worry, dear. Just take care of yourself. All the best. If you would like to join in on a further discussion on this topic, join our discussion board, "Just Ask” https://lovematters.in/en/forum
Vikram bête Kahin aap kisi tension, pressure mein toh nahi hai na? yeh samjh lijiye ki sex karney ke liye ya ling me tanav aane ke liye bilkul tanav mukt hona zaruri hai bête. Body ko apna kaam karne dijiye bête - aur yadi koi bimaari na ho to - ye thik ho jana chahiye. Ise padhiye: https://lovematters.in/hi/news/erection-trouble-where-turn https://lovematters.in/hi/news/4-signs-you-have-erectile-dysfunction Yadi aap is mudde par humse aur gehri charcha mein judna chahte hain to hamare disccsion board “Just Poocho” mein zaroor shamil ho! https://lovematters.in/en/forum
Jee haan! Yeh possible ho sakta hai. Actually yeh poori tareh se Na, mahila kee mahavari pe depend hota hai, yadi who bilkul nirdharit hai ya nahin jiski vajeh se bahut hee risk ka kaam bhi hai. Yadi aap bina kisi protection key ya bina surakhsha ke sex ki soch rahe hai toh shayad aap un dino ki baat kar rahe hain jin mein bachcha rukna mushkil hai. Yeh ho toh sakta hai lekin yeh poori terh se surakshit nahin mana jaata hai. Yadi aap pregnancy ke risk se bachna chatay hai to kisi aur tarikay kay mukabley Condom ka istemal hi easy aur safe tarika hai. http://lovematters.in/hi/resource/safe-sex http://lovematters.in/hi/resource/fertility
i am going to do sex with age of 35 yr old lady from 10 yr she divorce not never had sex with any1 so while doing sex with me she have any problem ???
I love my bf but unluckly i had lose my virginty before meeting him n now i love him alot but i scar about this if he kown i m not virgin then what happend????,? Huge q mark ..... what can i do kown
Bete Aysha the only way one can make out or guess is if the hymen has broken, which can be for any reason actually. No one can know anyhow about your virginity unless you yourself didn’t admit or tell them about it ok? So don’t worry. http://lovematters.in/hi/resource/faqs-hymen-and-virginity
Hmmm! so aap Kuch mat kijiey aur sahi sammaey aaney ka intzaar kijiey jab wo khud sehmati dikhaey sex ke liey.Kyunki kisi bhi rishtey mey jabardasti acceptable nahi hai . in baton se dhyan hatiey aur apney rishtey ko aur majbut banaiey. http://lovematters.in/en/news/how-can-i-convince-her-have-sex
Batao!! Iska koi formula hota hai kya? Arre nahin bhai. Dost banao, dosti ke liye na ki patane ke liye, phir dekho kya baat bantee hai. Zara soch khulli karo!! Apna look theek thaak karo, saaf suthre to dikho... koi badbudaar nahin!! Aur alag alag baaton mein dilchaspi rakho aur dikhao!! samjhe Mr formula?!! https://lovematters.in/hi/news/how-do-i-get-girlfriend Yadi aap is mudde par humse aur gehri charcha mein judna chahte hain toh hamare disccsion board “Just Poocho” mein zaroor shamil hon! https://lovematters.in/en/forum
Akaash it’s quite common, Bus swasth raho aur yaad rakho ki Hastmaithun ek safe /surakshit tareek ahai apni santushti karne ka. Isse koi nuksaan ya beemari nahin hoti. Yadi chahein toh bahut see activities hain,jinmein aap samye guzaar sakte hain jaise ki khel – games, gym ya koi hobbies… ok? http://lovematters.in/hi/resource/men-masturbating
Aisa hona bohot hi common hai par hum aapki ismein koi sahayata nahi kar saktay! Lekin aap hastmethun try kar saktay hain kyunki Hastmaithun ek safe /surakshit tareek ahai apni santushti karne ka. http://lovematters.in/hi/resource/men-masturbating
Naina! Just relax and listen bête, the only way one can make out or guess is if the hymen has broken, which can be for any reason actually. No one can know anyhow about your virginity unless you yourself didn’t admit or tell them about it ok? So don’t worry. http://lovematters.in/hi/resource/faqs-hymen-and-virginity
hmne jb frst tym sex kiya tha... dat tym i had periods n muje dard to boht hua tha.. bleeding b hui thi bt wo banda bolta hai k i was no virgin dat tym. i dont knw how to prove him, plz help
Bete Khushboo! Unhe bataiye ki yadi aap us waqt periods mein na bhi hoti toh bhi iska aapki virginity se koi sambandh nahi ho sakta, dekho Kaumarya ka poora daromadaar hymen ya jhilli se juda hua hai. Yaad rakhiye ki yeh bahut hee asani se toot saktee hai, jese cycling, horse riding ya khel-kud ke duran. isliye jab tak mahila khud nahi batyegi ki woh pehli baar hi sex kar rahi hain woh is baat ka pata nahi laga saktaye! Aur haan unhe samjhaiye ki isse koi phark nahin padta, yadi pyaar karte hain toh vishwaas bhi karein. http://lovematters.in/hi/resource/faqs-hymen-and-virginity
prajwala prakash
Sun, 01/31/2016 - 13:31
Eventhough i had sex qid my ex boyfriend...how can i hide it and proove and manage to say i am virgin to my husband plzz help me...R5WJb
Bete Relax! The only way one can make out or guess is if the hymen has broken, which can be for any reason actually. No one can know anyhow about your virginity unless you yourself didn’t admit or tell them about it ok? So don’t worry. http://lovematters.in/hi/resource/faqs-hymen-and-virginity
prajwala prakash
Sun, 01/31/2016 - 14:13
Eventhough i had sex qid my ex boyfriend...how can i hide it and proove and manage to say i am virgin to my husband plzz help me...
aunty Ji...mera 18 sal ki age me ek admi ne rape kar dia jisme vagina ke andar kuchh tear ho gya aur bahot bleeding hui..mujhe taanke lage vagina me..ab me 24 sal ki hoon. gharwale shadi krwana chahte hain..mujhe dar hai ki husband ko pta chal jayega...plz help
Ohhh dear garima! Mujeh sunkar bohot dhaka laga. Relax dear and suno kaumarya ka poora daromadaar hymen ya jhilli se juda hua hai. Yaad rakhiye ki yeh bahut hee asani se toot saktee hai, jese cycling, horse riding ya khel-kud ke duran. isliye jab tak mahila khud nahi batyegi ki woh pehli baar hi sex kar rahi hain woh is baat ka pata nahi laga saktaye! Apnay mann se doubt clear kijiye aur yeh bhee padhiye: http://lovematters.in/hi/resource/faqs-hymen-and-virginity Hum hamesha hain yaha aapke liye! Take care.
Maine apne ex bf k sath sex kiya hai or ab hm sath Nahi ...wo meri glti thi .. Or ab me apne bf se bda pyar krti hu...mujhe apne ex se sex kiye 1 saal ho gya hai..to Kya ab me sex krti hu to mujhe utni pain hogi jitni 1st time huyi thi..???.... And. In detail..plz
Bete Arti kya aap virginity ki nazar se yeh sawal puch rahee ho? Acha suno Kaumarya ka poora daromadaar hymen ya jhilli se juda hua hai. Yaad rakhiye ki yeh bahut hee asani se toot saktee hai, jese cycling, horse riding ya khel-kud ke duran. isliye jab tak mahila khud nahi batyegi ki woh pehli baar hi sex kar rahi hain woh is baat ka pata nahi laga saktaye! Lekin sex mein jo bhi karein safe karein. Apnay mann se doubt clear kijiye aur yeh padhiye: http://lovematters.in/hi/resource/faqs-hymen-and-virginity
I have had sex with my bf around 20 times. But for 2 years there has been no physical relation between us. Am going to get married to another guy, will he be able to find out that am not a virgin??
Listen bête, the only way one can make out or guess is if the hymen has broken, which can be for any reason actually. No one can know anyhow about your virginity unless you yourself didn’t admit or tell them about it ok? So don’t worry. https://lovematters.in/hi/resource/faqs-hymen-and-virginity If you would like to join in on a further discussion on this topic, join our discussion board, "Just Ask" . https://lovematters.in/en/forum
I have a physical relation.bt recently he fucked me so hardly tht i had bleeding..n after 1.5month i still have bleeding without period.what should i do?
Bete, please consult a registered doctor or specialist immediately. If you would like to join in on a further discussion on this topic, join our discussion board, "Just Ask" . https://lovematters.in/en/forum
Mai vergin nhi hu, n hmari cast ki wjh se hmari shadi nhi ho skti... N mere parents ladka search kr rhe h n mujhe bhut dar lg rha h
Kaumarya ka poora daromadaar hymen ya jhilli se juda hua hai. Yaad rakhiye ki yeh bahut hee asani se toot saktee hai, jese cycling, horse riding ya khel-kud ke duran. isliye jab tak mahila khud nahi batyegi ki woh pehli baar hi sex kar rahi hain woh is baat ka pata nahi laga saktaye! Lekin sex mein jo bhi karein safe karein. Apnay mann se doubt clear kijiye aur yeh padhiye: https://lovematters.in/hi/resource/faqs-hymen-and-virginity Yadi aap is mudde par humse aur gehri charcha mein judna chahte hain toh hamare disccsion board “Just Poocho” mein zaroor shamil hon! https://lovematters.in/en/forum
Anty je mera 6 saal se bf ta os k sat mere relations tey. Per ham weekly sex kartey tey. Pir mera os k sat breakup hogiya or ab meri parents meri shadi krva rhei hain kisi or k sat. Wo larka boht acha he par muje dar hai osey pata chal jae ga pr sab kij khatam hojae ga boht badnami ho gi. Aunty ji plz meri help karo 6 month me meri shadi he mein surgery offrd nae kar sakti hu
Maine apne x bf k sath sex kiya tha and now we broke up us k sath sex kre hue 6 months ho gye and muje dar Hai ki mere future husband ko AGR pta lg gya to I'm engaged
Kaumarya ka poora daromadaar hymen ya jhilli se juda hua hai. Yaad rakhiye ki yeh bahut hee asani se toot saktee hai, jese cycling, horse riding ya khel-kud ke duran. isliye jab tak mahila khud nahi batyegi ki woh pehli baar hi sex kar rahi hain woh is baat ka pata nahi laga saktaye! Lekin sex mein jo bhi karein safe karein. Apnay mann se doubt clear kijiye aur yeh padhiye: https://lovematters.in/hi/resource/faqs-hymen-and-virginity Yadi aap is mudde par humse aur gehri charcha mein judna chahte hain toh hamare disccsion board “Just Poocho” mein zaroor shamil hon! https://lovematters.in/en/forum
Auntyji maine pehle bhi sex kiya h ex-bf k sath agr me ah krungi agn toh mere bf ko pta chalega kya ki me virgin nhi hu.plzz suggest..ccdBZ
Kaumarya ka poora daromadaar hymen ya jhilli se juda hua hai. Yaad rakhiye ki yeh bahut hee asani se toot saktee hai, jese cycling, horse riding ya khel-kud ke duran. isliye jab tak mahila khud nahi batyegi ki woh pehli baar hi sex kar rahi hain woh is baat ka pata nahi laga saktaye! Lekin sex mein jo bhi karein safe karein. Apnay mann se doubt clear kijiye aur yeh padhiye: https://lovematters.in/hi/resource/faqs-hymen-and-virginity Yadi aap is mudde par humse aur gehri charcha mein judna chahte hain toh hamare disccsion board “Just Poocho” mein zaroor shamil hon! https://lovematters.in/en/forum
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