Love Matters Auntyji
Love Matters

I’m lesbian, how do I come out to my parents?

By Auntyji Tuesday, May 17, 2016 - 20:09
Auntyji, I am lesbian. I want to come out to my parents and friends but I am scared of their reaction. What if they are homophobic? Please help! Natasha (19), Mumbai

Auntyji says… Oye meri kuddiye... I can hear your fear... I hope your family hears you patiently too. Chalo, let’s plan, puttar!

First time, every time

Betaji, being gay is not a sin or a paap. However, to come out, you have to first love yourself, apne aap. Hai na? Jab koi chori hi nahin ki toh darr kaisa? Why fear when you have done nothing wrong? Kudiye every time you come out, it’s the first time for you with that person. New person, new coming out experience, yes?

While someone can be kind and understanding, maybe even expecting it, others can be very offensive and rude. People’s extreme reactions are often based on strong religious beliefs, fear of ostracism and lack of knowledge which makes them react very adversely. You really have to gauge each person and anticipate what their reactions may be.

The right candidate

Let’s analyse more. Who is it that you really want to tell first? Mom? Dad? BFF? Remember, this experience will actually shape a lot of your other experiences in the future. Chances are they may have some inkling already. How about you begin with small tests? A dinner time chat over aloo matar, “Maa, there’s this lesbian girl in my office” or “Papa, did you know Sharma uncle’s son is a gay rights activist. He is going to Amsterdam for a conference.”

Another option is to blatantly announce, “Love and attraction don’t come with gender zip code or address. It just arrives as a man, a woman or any other form. We just have to receive the package as it comes. Love installment – signed, sealed and delivered.”

Good, bad and ugly

Betajaan, be ready for the good, bad and the ugly. Worst pehle. Your first choice, say your close family, might have a heart attack (not really!), get totally upset, may even yell and scream. Homophobes landing alert! Kya karegee? Plan it now.


Frankly, if they flip, let them. Give them time and let them get accustomed to the idea. If they continue to be totally off their rocks, calm them down. Even though that is something that you will need yourself. Talk to a calmer person, a close friend or a sensible colleague. Seek help from a support group, a counsellor or even internet. Meet other lesbian women, seek their advice and guidance. Try and keep peace at home, as much as you can. This is not the time to wear the “I DIG CHICKS” t-shirt.

Part of the process

If they react well and I hope and pray they do, then you will cry and weep with joy and relief. Hain na, beti Natasha? Hayee, aunty sadke, aunty vaari. Still give them some time to understand you better. Be patient. Let them ask you questions. Some of them can be a bit odd too. Something like, “Have you done ‘that thing’ with a girl?” Questions like these may well emerge quite early in your coming out conversations.

Beta, all these questions arise because people only think of sex when it comes to homosexuals. As if they are only alive to have sex! Do all straight people do that too? “Here‘s a man and he is a walking, talking penis provider.” Why is love and belongingness reserved for straight relationships and all that homosexuals get is sex? That is completely untrue and a big misconception in our society. Koi jealousy toh nahin ho rahi inhe? Aunty badi jolly hai, hain?

Multiple identities, multiple feelings

Kuddiye, at the end of the day, you are a singer, a daughter, a student, a lesbian, a footballer, a great cook, a lazy cow, a gay boy, a cousin, a yoga exponent, a funny friend and an adorable sister. So many identities! You are all this and more to your loved ones and your beloved people. They have loved you for all that you are, they should love you for the part so crucial to your essence, your central being. Ab yun hee chalachal musafir, badi rangeen hai yeh duniyaaa, yun hee chalachal....

To protect the privacy of the author, the person in the picture is a model.

Have you ever thought of coming out to your family? Share your feelings with us on our discussion forum or write to us on Facebook.

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sonu Singh
Wed, 05/18/2016 - 07:59
Frndz ko sbse pehle btao agar apko lgta h ki aapke frndz aaapki sunenge or samjhenge becoz humesha parents nh samajh paate h frndz ka support hona jaruri h..or jaisa ki auntyji ne kaha ki kuch galat kaam nh h ye...
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