What do lovers really want when they fight?
Stuart Jenner

What do lovers really want when they fight?

By Sarah Moses Wednesday, October 2, 2013 - 21:30
When your lover picks a fight what are they looking for? There are hidden reasons behind every fight, and the latest science shows that figuring out what they are is key to knowing how to resolve conflict as a couple.

Whether it’s an ongoing battle or a sudden row at the dinner table, do you know what it’s really about?

You’re spending too much time at the office? Your partner forgot to pick up milk on the way home? Probably not. The real reasons behind conflict in relationships are just what a team of US psychologists have set out to discover.

They call the things that cause couples to fight ‘underlying concerns’ and they’ve identified two that come up again and again. Lovers either tend to worry that there’s a threat to their relationship or they think their partner is neglecting them, the team’s research has shown.

With those findings in mind, they conducted two studies, asking 953 married or cohabiting people what they wanted their better half to do to resolve a current feud. Next the researchers linked these desires to the two underlying concerns that lead most couples to fight.

Giving up power

Whether it’s their partner admitting they’d done something wrong or showing more respect, the desire to have the power balance shift in their favour topped the list among study participants.

The balance of control and power in a relationship is a sensitive subject for most couples, say the researchers. When someone wants their partner to give up power, it’s likely that the underlying concern is that the relationship is at risk.

So what do you do if you know your partner is feeling worried about where things stand? Calmly backing off could help. Compromising on a major issue, listening to their side of the story, and recognising when you’re in the wrong are some of the ways the study identified to shift the power in their favour.

Showing you care

Feuding couples also wanted to see signs their partner really cared about them by showing just how invested they were in the relationship, for example by being more loving, supportive, or appreciative.

More communication was another big issue – many people hoped their lovers would take more time to share intimate thoughts and feelings with them.

Wanting a partner to show investment in a relationship and a desire for more communication are clues that the underlying concern is related to neglect. If your partner is upset because you’re not making time for them, becoming actively involved by giving a thoughtful gift or sharing more of your life might just do the trick.

What causes fights between you and your partner? Leave a comment here or on Facebook.

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Comments
Mere relation ko 5 years hogae h or mere b.f se zadatar fyt ek he reasn pe hoti h that sumtym he become vry careless waise to he's vry caring bt sumtym he became lyk.. Nd second one is wo muje bht kam tym dete h only we talk at nyt wo b adha ya ek ghanta or dinbhr wo msg b ni krte becoz wo job krte h to hmesha job ka issue rehta h or rat me thakawat ka.. Phle jb wo job ni krte the to on tym the par job me itna masroof hogae h k mere lie tym ni rehta.. Kbi kbi bht mud off rehta h.. Is bat pe bht fyt b hoti h... :-( :-(
Beta Jannat, rishton mein samay ke saath saath anaek badlaav aatey rehetey hain, yeh toh aap maanogee? Ki pehele jot ha who ab nahin hai- unki naukri hai abaur bajaye iske ki aap unhe support karein, aap unhe Kaam karne pe naaraz ho rahee hain? Aisa toh nahin hai ki who kahin ghoom rahe hain- apna Kaam hee toh kar rahe hain, aur office mein kaun apni gf se sms karta hai? Callkarta hai? Jahan se roti aur izzat kamatey hain, yeh sab kya wahan se karna vajib hai- kya yeh dhokha nahin? Ky aap aise aadmi ke saath hona chhatee hain jo paise kisi aur ke ley raha hai, lekin uska kaam nahin kar raha? Whats wrong with you? Aap bahut insecure lag rahe ehai- yadi apne pyaar pe naaz hai toh bharosa karn abhi seekho. Jo samay mill rah ahai use mohabbat aur pyaar mein bitao na ki gile shikve karne mein gussa narazgee dikhane mein. Tum ladkiyoun ko ho kya jaata hai?? Tum saar din ghar pe hee rehtee ho kya, koi kaam naukri nahin kartee? Kar lo.
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