I study at a polytechnic college in Aurangabad. Today, I have no hesitation or embarrassment identifying as a gay person, but I wasn’t always so confident. My journey so far has not been easy, nor is the journey ahead. Today I want to put my life story in front of you all.
When I was ten years old, my neighbour's 16-year-old son once called me on the pretext of watching TV at his house. I did not have TV at my house at that time so I said yes. Shortly after that, he put his hands on my shoulder. Then after some time he tried to kiss me, so I pushed him back. But he tried to coerce me. I got very scared and ran home, but I did not tell anyone anything.
Make me normal
When I was 12–13 years old, all my friends started liking girls, but no such feeling came to me. When I was 14, I had a crush on my school principal. I felt this very strange because in my dreams I wanted to do with him, what my neighbour did to me. I found it very messy and whenever I went to the temple, I would ask God the same thing, to make me ‘normal’. But nothing happened. As I got older, my feelings and attraction only got stronger. I felt very strange, but whenever my uncle or neighbour or principal laid hands on my back or patted me, I used to feel very good.
I had not even told my childhood friend about these feelings because I thought he would make fun of me and it would affect our friendship. Since childhood, I was a bright student and when I got 80% marks in the Class 10 exam, I took admission in the electrical branch at the Polytechnic College, Aurangabad and began living with my elder sister and brother-in-law.
I am from a middle class family in a small village and we used to only have a 2G phone at that time, which could only make calls. My elder brother gifted me a smartphone for getting into college. This brought a big change in my life. A college friend sent me a porn movie on WhatsApp, and it made me think why don't I search Google? After searching, I found a video of two men having sex, which made me realise that I’m not alone and there are more people like me. I also discovered that such people are called gay.
I am gay
Then I started searching on YouTube as well and by watching videos, my knowledge on this subject increased and I realised a lot about myself. Now I knew that I was gay. Maybe you think I’m gay because of the incident during my childhood and honestly, I used to think the same way. But after getting full information from Google, my doubts were dispelled. I am gay and that is not because of anyone else.
Now when I go to the temple, I do not pray to God to make me ‘normal’, because I have come to know that I am ‘normal’, and it is the thinking of the people that is wrong. Now I pray to God that my family understands and accepts me for who I am.
By the second year of college, all my friends had girlfriends except me. My friends would often tell me that I should get a girlfriend too, but I wasn’t interested. Instead I wished that I had a boyfriend. But it was very difficult, because I liked people who were 40 or older. The problem was that even if I found someone, they would tell me that I’m too young. The other problem was how would I find the man I liked?
Once again, through YouTube and Google, I came to know about various gay apps - Blood, Tinder, Romeo. I immediately created an account on every site. My age at that time was 17 years and 4 months, and in all these apps I could not create an account until I was 18 years of age, so I had to lie about my age to get in.
Searching for a boyfriend
Now I started looking for boyfriends on all these apps and on these apps I found 4-5 men, who were 40+ and handsome too. I started talking to them and everyone asked for my picture. Though I was very scared, I gave them my picture.
We even talked for 2-4 days, but then everyone started asking me my ‘likes’. Questions like, 'Are you bottom? Or top? Are you versatile? Are you slim ' was all I would get. I did not know what these questions meant at that time and honestly, I still don’t. I could not understand anything and everyone blocked me one by one. I understood I would not get a boyfriend on a dating app.
So now I have only two requests from God - first that I get a real loving partner and second that my family accepts me completely because very soon I am going to tell them everything.
I am gay and normal just like you!
The story was first published in Gaylaxy e-magazine on April 15, 2020. Gaylaxy is India's leading LGBTQ e- magazine that is available in English and Hindi.