Love Matters India

My husband wants a baby, I don’t: what should we do?

By Auntyji Thursday, December 7, 2017 - 14:52
Hi Auntyji, I have recently had two miscarriages. After being through much pain, I really do not want to have a child anymore. But my husband really wants one. I feel bad for not wanting to fulfill his desire. Gunjeet, 24, Jalandhar.

‘Aunyji says, ‘Oh ho bitiya, I hope you are OK and healthy. Fit and fine? Now let’s talk.’

Under pressure

Puttar, I can understand how difficult this must be for you. A miscarriage can be traumatic. Not to mention the huge familial and societal expectations you are left to deal with. Actually, it all begins with the pressure of being pregnant – does it not? For women, it’s a saboot of your womanhood and for men, a sign of masculinity – so it is suggested.

Get your reasons right

Beta Gunjeet, let’s first discuss why you are ruling out another pregnancy. Is it because you are terrified of miscarrying – yet again? Terrified of being hopeful and soon enough, dejected? Are you feeling that somehow it is you who is disappointing your husband, your families? None of this is true Gunjeet. Keep this in mind, a miscarriage can happen to any woman. It’s your body that miscarries, you are not be blamed on this. Don’t listen to anyone on this and don’t even internalise it, beta. It’s just a body and sometimes it does not comply with standard rules. Koi machine thodi na hai!

Unsolicited advice

I know you must have to answer so many questions. So much advice must be pouring in for you, mostly utter nonsense.  ‘Wear black on Saturday to ensure you never have a bonny baby’. ‘A spell has been cast over you.’ ‘Be vegetarian.’ Really ridiculous and so unhelpful, isn’t it? No one seems to understand what you and your partner are going through – perhaps more the reason for you both to be together, talk, share and discuss

Take your time

The question to ask is – do you want children at all or not? Right now you say no because of circumstances. You need to be sure, ‘why not’ forever or are you saying, ‘not now’. These are two different issues. Talk to your hopeful husband around those as well. For the time being postponing trying for a pregnancy maybe a good way to go until you are more sorted in your mind, beta. No hurry to make final decisions Gunjeet, aakhir even Rome was not built in a day puttar! Take your time to decide.

For your sake only

Betaji, let me tell you with my own experience. Communication is the key to all problems. Let’s begin with the husband. He is your saathi and humsafar in this journey. Whilst it’s very loving of you to want to have a pregnancy ‘for his sake,’ it may not be as easy on you and maybe he needs to understand that, ‘for your sake.’ Maybe you want to share all that you experience – the unsolicited, free advice that comes your way and how they make you feel. And you may want to discuss options of parenthood or the absence of it too in a greater detail with everyone.

Your body, your choice

Don’t feel bad, Gunjeet. This is a partnership beta. So ideally speaking, you both need to come to some sort of resolution on this. But ultimately, it’s your body – it’s your right and your choice. So no self-blame, no hurried decisions. How about the first decision you both take– is no more ‘baby’ talk, only love talk and sex talk. Surely, no one can have objections to that kind of talking, can they? Right Gunjeet?

Names changed.

Person in the picture is a model.

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