Will he find out I'm not a virgin?

Auntyji says… Oye! Calm down kudiye, take a deep breath or two... and let’s get talking…

Big issue, small tissue

So you had an affair with a sexual component and now it’s wedding time, you think he will get to know? Well, not really! Not unless you decide to tell him. So before you get there, let’s check what the real give-aways are to this whole virginity game.

First and foremost, the issue over a little tissue! The hymen. What it is, you can read up. What it is not, is as follows. The hymen can break at any small provocation – running, cycling, jumping, any sport and even something as plain as sitting on the floor doing a swab, ponchaa, as we call it!

So how is the hymen considered to be the final witness of a girl having had sex? It beats me! In fact when the hymen does break, outside of sexual activity, girls often mistake it with interim spotting or menstrual flow! Pretty regular stuff.

Watch this video to get some key answers about virginity:

Expectations abound

Then there’s this expectation that on her first night the girl will bleed, giving proof and testimony of her purity and virginity! So the assumptions are, there will be sex on the first night itself and there will be blood! 

Sounds to me like the girl is a sacrificial lamb of some sort, a bali ka bakra, or bakri! What nonsense is this? You guys are so dying to be different and yet endorse these rubbish older than centuries myths? You guys yourself still perpetuate this proof of virginity absurdity?!

So let’s say there is no blood, by the way, it’s just a few drops, not some copious bucketful as people like to imagine – what then? No blood, girl no good? Really?

So that makes me question, what do you base your relationship on? Is it the person you have grown to love and desire or is it the fact that she has not “given herself” to any one, as yet? Wow!

Who is this supposed to validate – the girl or the partner-to-be who thinks, “I am so special that she ‘kept herself’ for me.” So what is the opening line for matrimonial alliances these days, “Hi I am Seeta/ Susie/ Shagufta/ Sharanjeet... and I am a virgin.” Is that who you ladies are these days?

Proof enough

Haan haan, I can hear you all whispering, “You don’t understand how men are, you don’t get it, men want virgins...” Ya ya... men want virgins and they want proof, right! And you, what do you want? To be the proof provider?

That you are a smart, sexy, suave, ambitious, loving, kind person, who will be a wonderful partner, does all that have no significance?

Ladies, get over this fear yourself, first! Stop being these frightened little doves, who anyone can scare. Once you are able to get over the shame and horror of not being “the virgin,” you are in a much better place to be calm and composed about it, handle it much better than you’re doing just now!

On my word

So here’s another one, what “proof” are men displaying, by the way? What bloody evidence of their loyalty do they have to provide, what are they breaking? Nothing! So then?

It is just their word, is it not? And you believe it and base your life on it. Done! So then why are you not given the same dues, the rules? It’s your word, done!

Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting you hide anything, far from it. If you feel your partner can handle it, fine, but if you even remotely feel they may flip at the idea, then darling, for one, the person has double standards, (do you want to spend your entire life with a guy like that?) and secondly, will this “truth” help you in anyway? Will it act as cement for your future or result in cracks which you will struggle to fill for the rest of your life?

Truth, betaji, is not easy to stomach.

Things to do

So beta Neesha, take a deep breath and get over this “what if”? What if he has a small penis? What if he is a premature ejaculator...? What if he doesn’t know the difference between a vulva and a volvo... what will you do?

Drive away on a one way ticket... no na!? You will “work it out.” See and give reason, find ways to get over these very possible scenarios! So, try the same now!

By the way, is your wedding outfit ready? The blouse fits? The make-up artist in place? And why not go on a date with your future husband? After all you are going to be married soon!

To protect the author's privacy, the person in the photo is a model. First published on 26 May 2015.

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