She won't let me touch her – is she not a virgin?

We are very happy and there is some talk of marriage between us. But how will I know if my future wife is a virgin? Please help! Saurabh (24), Rajasthan

Auntyji says... Kya baat hai? She doesn’t let you touch her vaginal area, so you presume she is sexually active? And just by touching her you want to know? Beta, I usually don’t say this, perhaps never have, but I must ask – are you off your rocker?!

I am a very angry Aunty now. If a girl is ready to explore sex, you label her ‘fast’ and ‘chalu’. Then you'd call her names like ‘cheez’ and ‘maal’. If she is not ready, you label her either ‘cold’ or ‘frigid’ or a ‘cheat’. What do you guys want from women?

Here, let me make a few things clear, once again. Never thought I'd need to, but here it is.

Virginity test

There is no way of testing if a woman has had sex. A medical exam may reveal something – which is inferred mainly from the ruptured hymen theory or how loose the vagina is (indicating how frequently the woman may have had sex). But both these theories are just that – theories. They haven't been scientifically proven.

So unless you catch her in the act, you can’t tell... got it? She tells you she did it, fine. She says she did not, well beta, suck it up.That’s the final word.

Trust and love

Suarabh ji... you are very confusing and confused. You are sure you love each other and want to be married, then why are you suspicious of her? Whether she's a virgin or not, why this level of mistrust?

And does it strike you, maybe she does not allow you to touch her vaginal area because she is not ready, maybe she is not comfortable with this activity, maybe she has some fear, some doubts?

Come on, beta. Yeh kya baat hui? Did you ever lovingly ask her, “Why are you saying no? Are you worried about something? Do you fear anything?” Did you hold her close and assure her, “I will never hurt you. I will never cause you harm.” Did you? No! On the contrary, you are suspicious of her and you think she is cheating on you.

Beta, you love her and don’t want to lose her, but if you don’t trust her, you don’t love her. Simple.

Leave the past behind

OK, let's think for a minute that she has had sex previously. So? Does that refute everything else you both have shared? Kal tak she was your sweetheart, jaan se pyaari, today one fact – that too about her past – has changed everything? Is she not the same loving girl? Is she not your darling, toh phir?

Yes, I agree, no one likes to think about their partner with someone else. Granted. But it's done and over. Now you are together. You love and cherish each other, don’t you? So what is more important to you? This love you share or the knowledge of her being a virgin?

Fair deal

If you are so particular about the fact that your partner should NOT have had sex with anyone previously, please carry a sign saying, “Only virgins welcome.” And then carry another one which says, “I have never had sex or sexual feelings for anyone.” Does that sound fair?

Beta, I love love and I say you need guts to be in love. If you mean what you say, show it. Pyaar mein sauda nahin...

This article was first published on October 15, 2013.

To protect the identity, the person in the picture is a model and names have been changed. 

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