Sunaina, 22, is a student in Noida.
Especially for me or?
We met just before the first lockdown of 2020. It was a cool spring evening. I walked towards the coffee shop, where my friends had planned to meet to discuss some group assignments. As I entered, thinking about what to order, I saw Sanjay. He looked so cute in white shirt and jeans.
As I walked in, he pulled out a chair for me to sit. Did he specially do it for me or would he do it for every girl, I thought. I smiled and said hello to him. I saw his dark brown eyes and was mesmerised. There were other friends in the group too but my eyes were just on Sanjay. There was something about him that made me feel attracted to him.
We all chatted, worked on our duties about the assignment and Sanjay mostly kept quiet and listened. Sitting beside him and sharing the same table with him was making me feel so happy. I absentmindedly jotted down what I had to do and kept looking at Sanjay, his hands, his smile and eyes!
When our work got over and everyone started leaving, Sanjay offered to accompany me to the nearby metro station, as he was going the same way. We had to walk a little, in order to reach the metro station. This was definitely intentional, I thought in my mind and smiled.
On cloud nine
As the lockdown happened, we got a chance to talk more. We started sharing our anxieties and fears and other generic things. The conversation went on from lockdown, to studies, movies, to our favourite bands. Out of sheer curiosity, I asked him whether he has or had a crush on someone from our college. He blushed and whispered ‘not yet’ into my ears.
Does this mean I had a chance? I didn't know how to control my happiness. I wished him good luck and asked him if he wanted to exchange numbers with me. He happily agreed. I was on cloud nine.
After that day, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I started texting him each and every day, for some or the other reasons - sometimes for deciding a career path or seeking help in filling out the post graduation forms. Any lame reason would do as long as I get to talk to him. I was happy that he was at least replying to my messages.
After almost a month of non-stop messaging, his replies became slow. At first, he was enthusiastically replying but after some days, I saw his interest fading away. His replies were slower and not interesting. He would reply after an hour or so and sometimes it would just be a simple ok or yes.
I thought it was time to tell him that I had feelings for him. I texted him that I like him and have a crush on him. He did not reply that day. When I called him, he said thank you. That’s it!
Not losing hope?
I didn't lose hope, I texted him day after day. I was still persistent in talking to him. I wanted to talk to him every day but he avoided me and sometimes would not pick up my phone now. I was furious and I couldn't understand why he's doing that with someone who loves him so much.
I started losing hope and became depressed. As the lockdown eased and we had beautiful winter sun, my friend Diksha decided for a picnic in the park. She invited a couple of other friends including Abhay, an old friend of mine from school. We were classmates but we never spoke to each other. I remembered that he was in my class and he used to always sit behind me.
It was a nice outing for me and it helped me keep my mind off Sanjay, for a while. Abhay kept me busy and we talked about how we all were looking forward to joining college after a year at home.
We exchanged numbers and I left the party. As soon as I reached home, I heard a text message notification from someone. I thought it must be Sanjay but when I checked my phone, it was Abhay. It was 12 a.m, and I found it weird that he was texting me this late. I told him I was tired and will chat tomorrow, and slept after sending a good night message to Sanjay. He did not see my message though.
Good morning and shero-shayari
Soon my phone was flooded with messages from Abhay. Good morning flower photos with quotes! He started sending silly jokes and poetry to me! I muted him immediately and sent a few emojis and smileys. When I wouldn’t reply to him for a few hours, he would immediately message me, ‘Hey you there?’ ‘Why are you not replying?’ and I had to reply to him back.
This went on for a few weeks. I still kept messaging Sanjay a few times a day too. But Abhay was making me irritated. Then one day, Abhay messaged me and asked me to go out on a date with him!
I did not want to go out on a date with a guy who would send good morning messages with rose flowers and shero-shayari! I immediately made-up an excuse saying I was not well but then he started sending me messages of ‘Get well soon!’ ‘Waiting for you’ and more shayari.
I shared these messages with Diksha and told her how irritated I am with Abhay. ‘Why can’t he understand I am not interested in him?’ I told Diksha.
‘It’s tough Sunaina. Did you understand when Sanjay did not reply to your messages?’ Diksha asked and something struck me!
She was so right! Wasn’t I doing the same with Sanjay? I have been troubling and texting him day in and day out. I understood that this was why he was ignoring me. I realised my mistake, apologised to him and stopped texting Sanjay from that point on. Sanjay replied with a smiley and I did not take this as any signs or signals from him!
I realised that I was becoming obsessive towards Sanjay. He was kind enough to not block me but I blocked Abhay’s number from everywhere.
To protect the identity, the person in the picture is a model and names have been changed.
About the author: Vinayana Khurana is pursuing M.Phil in English literature from Delhi University. She is a woman with Cerebral palsy but that is not her identity. She's a writer, a poet and a Comic Artist. You can reah her out on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and LinkedIn