Hina is a writer in her early 30s and lives in Delhi.
No casual dating for me!
I started touching myself at a very young age. What made me do that, I don’t know. I think I cannot pinpoint a single incident. It just felt like the thing to do! An idealist in love and life, I always believed in love that lasts for a lifetime.
I fell in love with Jithin, a mechanical engineer living thousands of miles away in Michigan, the USA over the internet. After having a few heartbreaks and innumerable sleepless nights where I felt completely loveless, I created profiles on various matrimonial sites, partly to make my ageing parents happy, and mostly because the loneliness was starting to bother me intensely.
Never understanding casual dating, I was always wary of meeting people through dating apps. The experiences of some of my friends and colleagues further cemented the decision to stay away from such apps.
From video calls to planning
Jithin and I hit it off instantly. Although we were living in different countries, spread across different continents, and were brought up in contrasting cultural environments, most of our value systems and ideas about love, partnership, home, and food, made us feel connected to each other like never before. Jithin’s big Bambi eyes and rabbit-teeth smile made me skip my heartbeat every single time I saw him on video calls.
I don’t know what exactly were his reasonings, but maybe, my heck-all attitude and fluent Hindi that Jithin hardly understood, but loved anyway made his heart melt for me. I can only guess!
We longed for each other. And when the longing could no longer be restrained, we fixed up a date to meet up. New couples talk about love all the time, making declarations that only people madly in love could do. But they want to feel each other physically too.
Jithin and I expressed our desires for each other, sometimes sensually, sometimes in a vulgar way. We dreamt of sleeping on the same bed together, caressing each other to sleep.
But there was a secret. A secret that I hadn’t revealed to Jithin yet. I was achingly waiting for Jithin to come and hold me but was also scared about what could happen next. Keeping that looming, disturbing thought away, I did full-fledged preparations for Jithin’s arrival.
I made hotel reservations, churned out a list of all the great eateries in Delhi, and imagined how the two of us would walk restlessly on the streets of Delhi under the shades of my city’s native Banyan, Neem, and Amaltas trees.
The big day arrived, and when my hungry eyes fell on Jithin’s, everything finally made sense. With nervousness and muted impatience, we hugged each other. Jithin softly whispered into my ear, 'Oh god! You are real!'
We booked a cab and as soon as we got into our room, Jithin grabbed me softly. I tried to flee away in jest, but his grip on me was sure and strong. He started kissing me with unbounded passion filled with months’ long yearning. We engulfed each other, kissing, with our desperate hands trying to devour every part of the other. I felt ecstatic and then could feel Jithin’s hands trying to unbutton my jeans.
I froze immediately and in a quick jerk motion flung Jithin’s hand away from me. Jithin, unable to understand my sudden change of emotions, looked intently into my eyes and asked if he did something wrong. Sitting down on the corner of the bed, I asked Jithin to sit beside me.
With a shivering voice, showing hints of pain and guilt, I said, ‘Jithin you need to know something before we have sex.’ He nodded half-concerned and half-relaxed knowing that the person he flew 12000 km for, is going to be honest with him like always.
My vagina isn’t that tight
With visible stress on my face in the form of sweat beads around my temple, I said in a firm, even tone masking my nervousness, ‘The last time I had sex with someone, he commented that my vagina isn’t that tight for him. That made me feel worthless. In order to make you happy sexually, I didn’t touch myself for the last five months. Do you care about how tight my vagina is?”
Jithin looked at me with remarkable tenderness, and hugging from sideways said with conviction, ‘Who cares about such things? I know, I don’t. I love you and who you are as a person. Everything else is an expression of our love for each other, including sex. And what if my dick is too small for you? You would refuse to be with me then? Only people insecure about their feelings talk about bodies like the way that guy did. We will be okay love. More than okay actually.’
I had tears in my eyes and love in every part of my being. We made love passionately that night and went for a long, pleasant walk after.
To protect the identity, the person in the picture is a model and names have been changed.