My boyfriend watches porn and masturbates

Auntyji says... Richa puttar, I understand what you must be going through. Discovering a ‘dirty’ secret about your significant other is never easy. But let's not react rashly. Let’s do it Auntyji-style: get yourself a chilled glass of roohafza and cool down. Thande dimaag se start kartein hain.

From what I understand, you have two problems. So let’s figure out what's actually upsetting you the most. Is it the porn or the masturbation? The way I see it, both the practices are labeled immoral by the society but are very legitimate if all the involved adults are consenting.

Keeping an open mind
I have a feeling that the porn viewing is a bigger problem for you than masturbation. Masturbation is a universal process. But if you feel uncomfortable by his self-gratification, you need to let him know. Keeping it to yourself won’t make the problem go away.

That said, keep an open mind about things. Masturbation is a normal, natural and completely harmless path to pleasure. In fact consider joining him in this hands-on adventure to bliss-land.

So while masturbation is not the end of the world, I do agree that secret porn viewings are not exactly the cornerstone of a successful relationship. As I’ve said before, full disclosure, especially in the matters of the bed, is a must for any great relationship.

So your boyfriend’s secret interest in porn doesn’t get Auntyji’s approval. But it’s still an issue that some emotional exploration can resolve.

Sit down and chat
So my dear Richa, you will have to sit your boyfriend down and have a chat. Just don’t be aggressive about it. Avoid the ‘What are you watching?’, ‘Am I unwanted?’, ‘Are you cheating on me?’ tone. Instead, you should try to figure out what watching porn means for him. Why is he being secretive about it? Worst case scenario might be that he is addicted to porn, but most probably it’s just a teenage habit that he’s finding difficult to break.

Porn viewing in itself is not a very bad thing. It might even add some spice to your sex life – but it should be at the cost of your own sexual life. I imagine that there is certainly more to it than meets the eye. See, the big problem is men, unlike women, usually believe less in expressing themselves. You need to tell him how you feel.

Root causes
Don’t confront him head-on for not having enough sex with you. But he needs to know that the relationship is not as sexually fulfilling for you as it was two years ago. If he is in the same frame of mind, he ought to open up. Betaji, these silly men are a difficult lot no doubt, and sometimes you actually have to put the words into their mouths.

Dekh Richa, the best thing for the two of you would be to calmly explore what has changed in the last two years. My MBA nephew recently explained the concept of ‘root causing’ and I think that’s a great strategy here. Unless you know what is really going on in his mind, it is very difficult to untangle these knots. He needs to tell you if his sexual needs are different from yours. And you need to assure him that you’re going to be okay with his masturbating if that’s something that he needs to address his sexual urges.

Trust me, all will be fine soon.

Would you talk to your partner about his or her porn or masturbation habits? How would you go about it? Comment here or join in the Facebook discussion!