Auntyji
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Should I have phone sex with my ex?

By Auntyji Tuesday, October 29, 2013 - 11:30
Q: Auntyji, my boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago but he calls every now and then and has phone sex with me.

He says he doesn't love me anymore but I still love him and want him back. I am wondering if he is confused or if he's just after sex. Please clarify this for me, I keep thinking about him all the time. Nisha (22), Pune

Auntyji says... just a minnt Nisha beta, just a minnt! He says he is done with you and yet has sex with you over the phone. He claims to be otherwise clear on his position. And you are wondering if it is love? Are you the crajy one?

Nishaji, I don’t know what he's doing but one thing is for sure – you are clinging on to a straw that’s encouraging you to put up with some silent abuse.

Confused kaun?You might not see it as abuse. You want what he's offering. You are grown up and you are consenting, but consenting to what? Your consent to the phone sex is based on a glimmer of hope that he will come back to you and you are allowing the sex in that hope. Is that not right?

Beta, whether he comes back to you or not, the point is that he is not respectful towards you at all. He is otherwise unavailable. He knows you want him and he calls you whenever he wants sex – matbal? Where is the confusion in this? He is pretty clearly getting what he wants out of this. What are you getting?

You really want him back. Now because of the situation you're in, you're not thinking very clearly. You are convincing yourself that what you're doing is just right and this is the only option you have left. You are working out of a very difficult and confusing place, so your actions are not very well thought out. This is putting you in an unjust and rather disrespectful position.

Reality checkIrrespective of whether he comes back or not, I have a few questions for you:

Nisha, what do you really want? What is it you are looking for? His love? And you think by making yourself available to him (for phone sex), he will come back to you? Or fall in love with you again?

Let's think for a second about him returning to you. He is only looking for sex from you. But you see his phone number on your phone screen and start naming your future kids! Get a grip, girl.

And for another second let us assume he does come back. Are you sure you want him back on these terms? And in his defence, may I say, he has made it clear that he is done and dusted with loving you. He only shows up when he needs to get it off, and you are OK with this kind of coming back? Really?

The right choiceNisha, you seem to be a young woman who has made some fairly independent choices. And you still think by being available to your ex-boyfriend for phone sex, when he wants it, you will win back his love? I am sure even Meena Kumari would roll her eyes at that one.

Nisha beta, love someone, no problem. I am all for it! Phone sex is NOT the problem here dear. If that is what works for you both, that is fine. But not if he only sees you as a sex hotline, shows no basic care or concern for you and, may I add, knows you want him so is perhaps using that to his advantage.

And you, young lady, are letting him. Aage beta, marzee aapki. Think beta think. Cool and calm and see what you come up with. Is this what you want to put yourself up for?Auntyji is sponsored by DKT.

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