Auntyji Love Matters
Love Matters

Should I keep comforting my ex?

By Auntyji Tuesday, November 26, 2013 - 12:30
Q: Auntyji, I broke up with my boyfriend about five months ago but we still spend a lot of time together, mainly helping him get over our relationship. He feels lonely if I exclude him from my plans.

That makes me feel so bad – I cancel all my engagements and we just end up together. I'm really in a fix about what to do. Help! Martha (22), Kolkata.

Auntyji says... Arey wah bhai wah! I love your boyfriend too. He has figured one thing out and that is how to guilt trip you... and you Miss Martha, have fallen for this little set up.

Change is constant Arey bhai, things change, we change, and therefore our relationships do too. Now what would you people prefer? To be in a relationship sans love and respect, where you are with each other only because you are used to each other, only because you have no one else to hang out with? Or to be with each other because you love the company of the person, dasso ji?

Beta, we all are responsible for our own happiness, and yes, that it is easier said than done. But frankly, we cannot take on the responsibility of keeping others happy, can we?Arey bhai, it's hard enough being happy ourselves! So how can we assume that we are responsible for others, you tell me.

Taking responsibility OK, this bf of yours, he is being a bit needy, don’t you think? He can’t do it on his own so is using you to help him get over you. Bataiye, is there any sense in this, hain? You ended the relationship so you are perhaps more in control over your emotions than he is. But by when do you think he will gain control over his emotions? It's been five months already – does he seem to be trying? No ma’am, no!

He is the one who should be making alternate plans – making efforts and finding methods to improve his situation – not making you cancel yours. Your ex, may I say is a very chaalu chap, happily basking in your attention and making no effort whatsoever to get over you.

Get out And madam, you are not really helping either by being so available or putting your own life on hold. You think you are so indispensable that if you leave him be for a few hours, days, weeks, he will go to pieces, wither and die? Hain? You think you're that important? Is anyone? Come on, don’t guile yourself young lady. And if you really want to help – get out!

Now, here's a famous bit of advice from me – sometimes we just have to be cruel to be kind. So sit him down. But first, sit yourself down and decide if you are serious about this or do you want to feel glorious about being so needed? Do you want to really get on with life or be ‘Martyr Martha’?

Decide, implement Set a date with this ex and set another one – that from which the two of you are going to be more apart than joined at the hip. Decide and implement. You more than him.

Go find yourself Martha. Don’t get bogged or tied down because your feelings have changed. You are very much entitled to finding your own self and so is he. And you are not responsible for him being happy or relaxed or settled down – he has to find that on his own. Enable him, don't disable him, my dear ladki. That is being a good friend and sweet ex, not an omnipresent axe! Auntyji is sponsored by DKT.

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