marriage and sex
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My husband says sex is his legal right. Is that true?

By Auntyji Friday, December 13, 2019 - 12:29
Hi Aunty ji, my husband of six months wants to have sex everyday. If I refuse, he says, it's his legal right. Is he right? Sukanya, 24, Jharkhand.

Auntyji says, ‘So he is talking about rights… But what about his responsibilities?’

Mixed up

Sukanya  – the man may be technically right, but if you ask me, what he is asking is entirely wrong. Shaadi in India, and in many countries around the world, is seen as a licence to bed – as and when. But is that ok? No. Not at all!  

Use and abuse

You know beta, whenever people have no other argument they quickly start to quote law, or whatever little they know of it. But they often forget that every right comes with a responsibility. 

Beta if we were to pay attention to what is being said while we are taking our marriage vows, the man has a lot of responsibilities to fulfil – respecting his wife being one of them. Ab yeh roz roz demand of sex when you dont want it – is hardly respectful, is it? Where is his respect for you – as an individual, a woman, as a wife. 

Afsos beta, that our gentlemen are quoting law and culture, saying aisa hee hota hai. Miserable excuses these are! In any healthy relationship, no one should be bullied or forced against their will. Ab bhala us ka kya?

The other side of law is also justice. Is there any nyay in what he’s demanding beta? A marriage is a partnership – not an ownership. So whatever happens can happen only with the marzi of both the partners. 

Tables turned

Chalo koi nahi. If he is talking about haq, let us also talk about zimmedari. Ask him – if you have to provide him sex on demand, what is he providing you in retun – on demand – because you are his wife. He has obligations to you. Let’s see some examples, how about a Jet plane? How about a trip to Mars? How about a villa in France? Kar sakta hai

Beta, marrying another person, promising to spend your good and bad times with them, share - all these are vows we make too, don’t we? We ask for trust and respect and expect the same in return, isn't it? We pledge to make a good life for ourselves and our families – don’t we? 

So then how does sex become a demad and supply situation? Where is the equality here? He wants you to have sex with him on his demands, hai na? But if he can’t fulfil his moral duty of just awarding basic respect to you, your body, maintain your garima  – how come you have to? Waise beta woh din bhi door nahin when the law too will be against this shaadi=24/7 sex licence concept. 

Home improvements 

So what can you do about this beta Sukanya? Think this through Sukanya and then talk to him. Explain how good sex cannot be bought over by a weak law – it has to be based on love, respect and consent – of both the partners. 

Tell him that you would enjoy sex when you want it and are not forced into it. And that ways he too would enjoy sex better. Aksar, men learn from their friends and peers that this haq jatane wala style is the only way to have sex. Talking to him would help him realise that sex would be better jab dono ki barabari ho.

Beta, if that doesn’t help, you could talk to a counsellor. Often married couples feel some jhijhak in discussing their private affairs with a counsellor. But beta, worry not. 

Counselling is often helpful in working through some of these tricky issues. If a counsellor is not available in your town or neighbourhood, find a trusted family member who could help you navigate these rough waters. 

A final word of your advice beta. Girls often tell me, ‘Otherwise he is just very fine and wonderful towards me, bas ek yehi baat hai.’ But this is not a small, bas yehi baat matters dear Sukanya. This is the core of the matter, of your marriage and of your values. 

If he is not ready to talk, listen, understand or change and continues to disrespect you and your body, it would be time to rethink your relationship

To protect the identity, names have been changed. 

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