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Should I watch porn with my husband?

By Auntyji Tuesday, February 4, 2014 - 12:18
Auntyji, I caught my husband watching porn. He says all men do it, but I feel betrayed. What should I do? He even wants us to watch porn together but I don’t like the idea. Should I try it? Aarti (23), Patna.

Auntyji says... Umm hmm.... so... well, here you have it. One of the most complex issues to get our heads around is upon us – and it's pornography. Thanks Aarti beta for bringing it out of the closet or, in this case, the computer.

So beta... what is actually freaking you out here? You say you “caught” him watching porn. It shows you think he was doing something he ought not to have. Something criminal? Wrong? Bad? Immoral? Let's get to understand this beta.

Role of porn To begin with, what is pornography and what is its role? Clinically speaking, it is erotic material which is meant to excite you. It can be in the form of films or texts or even poetry. But what we get to see and fall upon most commonly is blatant, loud, uncensored acts of sex, mostly very over-the-top.

We see people doing things we may never conceive of. Some of it is shocking! Or so it may seem. The words commonly used for describing porn are dirty, filthy, crass, sinful, vulgar. It's also often demeaning towards women.

Surely that's one way of looking at it. The other is that porn is exciting, naughty, sexy and for some even liberating. Porn can give you ideas about sex and help shed inhibitions. But be warned that it's not the Encyclopedia Britannica of sex. No gyaan there, it's not meant to provide you information or knowledge, for sure.

Really unreal One thing we can be sure of is that porn is not real. Everything you see in these 'blue films' is role-play, beta. It's a bunch of people acting out what you see – many of these actors are well known stars, you know. More often than not it is far from reality and that is where the real problem is.

People who watch porn – majority of the consumers are men, though women too are known to use porn – are very influenced by what they see. They take all they see a bit too seriously, I tell you.

They want everything they see in the film. Men could want their women to have gorgeous blond hair like the actresses they see, and an unmentionable penis size for themselves. They even want to clock record hours of performance as the porn actors do in the films.

Come on guys, we are Asian, we cannot have blonde hair and neither are we similarly endowed on an average. Porn films are a movies. How real can they be?

Feelings of insecurity And Aartiji, let's look at what exactly you are feeling bad about. You said you felt 'betrayed' – why? Do you feel he is comparing your sex life to what he sees on porn films? And do you think you are not good enough for him? Or do you feel he enjoys that more than sex between the two of you.

Both these feelings of insecurity are very common. Beta read the stuff oopar, do you really see a reason to feel threatened? It's not as if he is having an affair with the operating system! But yes, if he is more into what he views v/s what you and he share – you are most justified to feel upset.

For private reasons His insistence for you to watch porn with him, Aarti, may also be that he wants to further intensify or bring more excitement in your sex life... to make it more enjoyable, maybe to help you lose your shyness a bit?

Of course you do not have to watch it with him, but don't be too harsh on this request either. Of course if the man is under the illusion that you will be able to replicate what you view, then he has to be a bit more realistic than that for sure.

Give it a shot If you wish, here's what you can do. Think about it. Try watching some porn for a few minutes only, alone. If you just hate it, leave it, if it does interest you a bit, watch a bit more and then with your partner. Auntyji is not a porn film buff, so I won't be giving you recommendations of what to watch. But if you try searching on the internet for 'female friendly porn' or 'women friendly porn' you might be more likely to find something to suit you.

It's all a part of sprucing up your sex act and if there is anything you don’t like in sex – porn included – don’t do it, say 'no'. Perfectly A-OK!

Like I said before, people use porn differently and react to it differently. Some may find a lingerie model pornographic and for some, the more X's the better! Find your fit, dear Aarti. Hold back while judging your spouse on this and then decide what you want to do.

Do you have tips for porn that someone like Aarti might like to try watching? Tell us below or on Facebook.

Send Auntyji an e-mail if you’d like advice about love, sex, relationships or anything in between.

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Comments
I have adicted with pornography, i have to watch deily bcz if i don't do it, i can't do any work.. After watchin i make masterbation... What i have to do to leave it?? Plzz reply auntiji..
Arijit beta! leaving this habit can be a long process, but you absolutely can change your behaviour if you wish to. Remind yourself that you are stronger than your addiction,find ways to fill the lulls in your life so that you no longer have time for porn. Get into a hobby you've always wanted to try, such as an art or a team sport, make new friends etc. remember don't make anything your addiction just look porn as fun element be brave..All the best.
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