Being from a small-town middle-class family, my education was not a priority at my home but my marriage definitely was. So after finishing school, I learned cooking, cleaning, and other chores and by the age of 22, my parents had fixed my marriage. Amar was a well-educated man who gave me all the love in this world. After three years of marriage, we had two beautiful children.
Life was like a dream for us but fate had other plans for me. After seven years of marriage, one monsoon, Amar caught the seasonal flu virus. His health deteriorated quite rapidly. He was admitted to a hospital and died within two days. My life came to a complete standstill. I felt very lonely after losing my husband, who was also my best friend. I had only one option now, forget my existence and bury myself in raising my kids.
Adjusting to my new life
With the help of my chachaji, I learned a bit about computers and start working at his cyber cafe. For a person who had never even been to a college, it was a monumental change in my life. My work hours at the cyber cafe were 10 am to 5 pm. People came to our cafe to surf on the internet - some to apply for jobs while others to book train tickets.
Gradually I also realised that many people also came to our cyber cafe to surf porn and chat to strangers for hours. Perhaps, due to my chachaji’s presence and reputation, I never felt uncomfortable working in that environment. As time moved on, I found my life following a mundane routine. Mornings began with getting children ready for school. Then I rushed to the cafe, worked there till evening and went back home dutifully and once home devoted myself to household chores.
Physical desires take a back seat
This tedious routine continued for many years. My family also advised me to get married again but I did not want to leave Amar's house and his memories. Some appreciated my courage while others empathized with my life as a widow.
Between these everyday roles of my life, I forgot about innermost desires and need for pleasure. I did not even allow myself to think about them now that my husband was gone. I felt it would be wrong. At the same time, I found myself short-tempered and irritable with kids but could not understand what was causing it.
New possibilities
One morning, I noticed a few strands of grey hair in the mirror and was taken back. I was 33. I wish Amar was with me so I could share the excitement of the ‘growing old’ with him. But the truth was, I did not even have any good friends and felt very lonely. I just draped my dupatta over my head and left for work at the cyber cafe. Today, my chachaji had some work and did not come to the shop and I had to shut down all the computers before leaving for home in the evening.
As I began shutting down one computer, a Hindi sex stories portal caught my attention. I panicked and quickly shut down the computer. It was ages since I had even heard or thought about sex. At that point, sex was completely out of my life and my body needs were completely dead. But to my surprise, as I went back home, I could not stop thinking about what I had seen on that computer. I felt excited but at the same time confused about the rekindling of my desires.
Next day, I reached the cafe ahead of its opening time. I went to the same computer where I had seen the Hindi sex stories portal and began reading it courageously. I felt a new passion grow inside me. This routine continued daily. Every day, I started for work early and read new sex stories before anyone came to the shop. Though I liked what I was doing, I could not stop myself from wondering about the consequences. What if someone found out about my new online escapades. After all, I was a widow and had no right to have a physical desire, at least so for the society.
Body desires galore
But something inside told me to keep going with the flow. I bought a smartphone with my savings and got an internet connection. Now I was not worried about getting caught reading sex stories at my chachaji’s cafe as I enjoyed them at night when my children were asleep. It was as if someone had opened the floodgates of my desires, after many years, and they came rushing through giving me a renewed vigour for life. Given the surge in my desires, I needed more than just sex stories now.
The final plunge
One night, as I read a sex story online, I found out about sex toys. I googled the word dildo to find out what exactly it was and to my surprise, it was the most intimate and non-guilty way I could think of pleasuring myself. I also found out that I could order it online just as I brought clothes for my kids! I couldn’t have imagined such avenues for privacy for a woman without the knowledge of technology that my work had introduced me to.
Living in a joint family I was very nervous about someone finding out about my online purchase. I took leave from work on the day the delivery was scheduled and waited the entire day for it.
The moment I heard the doorbell ring, I sprung to my feet before anyone else. I hid my mouth with a dupatta and paid the courier guy quickly. My heart started palpitating as I started unpacking the box. There it was, my new toy and I was really excited to try it out.
The dildo has brought an unexpected thrill to my boring life. My heart feels full of a new exuberance after such a long time. I am still a mother to my two children but I am also the woman that Amar loved. The woman who had desires and needs and can look after them without having to feel guilty or ashamed. Though they do not know what has caused it, my family too is relieved with the new and happy me.
Person in the picture is a model. Names have been changed to protect the identity.
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