‘I went numb looking at my videos online’

Tarika*, 20, is a student and lives in Pune. 

Complete trust

I met Anand* in school and we started dating each other. Gradually, we fell in love and got physically close. He often insisted on making videos while we had sex. He loved taking pictures of us naked in bed. 

I cannot really say I was always uncomfortable with him making these videos. I trusted him and did not mind. However, I always insisted that he deleted the videos after we watched it together. Anand always assured me that he would. 

Moving on 

We were  in a relationship for four years – both in school and then in college. When we finished college, I moved to Pune for my post graduation. Anand decided to join his father’s business. We had different plans for career and future. 

We tried to make our long-distance relationship work, but Anand always had issues. He was not happy with me not calling up on specific times. 

I was actually enjoying the change of the city and did not want to feel bound in a relationship with him. I shared my feelings with Anand and told him that we should break up. The long distance relationship was not working for us. 

Not a chance

When he heard the word break-up, Anand got really angry. He could not believe that I wanted to dump him. I tried to reason out with him explaining how I wanted space but he would just not listen. 

Anand started calling me at least 20 times a day – abusing me, shouting at me and sometimes also crying. I just could not handle the situation. I stopped responding to him completely. 

Chill down the spine

I kept myself busy with studies and tried not to think about Anand. One day, I got a text from my friend (a boy) saying that he has seen my sex videos on a pornographic website. I could not believe him. 

He sent me a link. I went numb looking at my personal videos on a pornographic website. I cried and did not know who to talk to or what to do. 

When I called Anand to confront, he called me a slut! He also told me that if I agree to be with him, he will take the videos down. 

He was blackmailing me. I felt powerless and helpless. At one point I became so depressed that I also thought of going back to him just to get the videos removed. 

Scot free to date

Next day, I finally gathered the courage to confide in my best friend Neha. She asked me to break all ties with Anand and harbour no thoughts of going back to him. She told me about other revenge porn cases. I had never even heard of the term!

She helped me speak to my parents. My parents were devastated. 

My mother and father went to the cyber cell of the police station with me to register a complaint against Anand. I will never forget the cringeworthy moment when I had to write all the details about how we both made videos while making love, in the presence of my parents. 

I felt so guilty. 

However, the police told us that the videos could no longer be found! Who knows, where they had gone! Anand has still not been charged of anything. When questioned by police, he flatly denied having done anything of the sort.  

My parents don't talk to me now. I don't know if they'll forgive me.

It’s been a year and I have cut all ties with Anand. I do sometimes think what if he decides to post the videos online again. But if he does, I am ready to fight back without feeling guilty or ashamed.

To protect the identity, the person in the picture is a model and names have been changed. 

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