How can I get rid of wet dreams?

Auntyji says… Hello dear Anonymous form Meerut! You think by putting your name here everyone in Meerut will call out to you as you walk down the street, “Look out, here comes the sex maniac, here comes bro Swapndosh!”?

Tanked up

So beta, first let me clarify. A bit of the problem is in the name itself. Swapndosh, when translated roughly means fault during dreams or sleep. So you all are raised thinking it’s your “fault” if you have this situation.

The problem – no one bothers to clarify what it actually is. So let me use a common analogy. The body, rather seminal vesicles, are like a water tank. They fill up with semen as a natural course of action. Now, as in any other water tank, if you open the faucet, nalkaa, the water will flow out and keep the tank at a level. If you don’t open the nalkaa, the water tank will overflow.

This overflow is nocturnal emission aka nightfall aka wet dreams aka swapndosh. This is often coupled with thoughts or images of sex. Thus the dosh or fault! No fault in the pipe lines, Sir. All working well, in fact!

Find out if women can have wet dreams.

Other things to do

So now comes the other angle. You say, “I am a maniac and keep thinking of sex even during sleep.” “Even” matlab? Matlab all day long all you do is think of sex? Tum aur kuch nahin kartey kyaa? Is this you full-time occupation? College, career, goals, gym, movies... no? Only sex ke khayal?

Oye, wake up! Sex is a wonderful thing but so is a walk in the park. In fact, as you will discover in life sometime, the latter can be even better than the other at times. Beta, one has to do other things in life too na. Jaise ki go to college, study, masturbate, go running, watch a film, hang out with friends and family, go to sabzi market, masturbate.... Something like this, yes?

Now clearly when you go to, say a film, you don’t look at the girl selling popcorn and start fantasising, “Oh selling pop corn yaaaa, want some sexx yaaa...” Nor do you go to buy aalu-pyaaz and think, “Aaha this aunty should also be in my vegetable bag.” Do you? You do? If yes, you are a total jhalla!

Just hi, not high

Beta jee we make dosti first, we make friends and then we enter relationships, why? Because we like that person. We are social, we share, we come close, we learn to love and respect each other and that makes us like the other person. Feelings of sexual desire follow and things take a course.

We don’t see each and every person and say, “Hi I am Anonymous from Meerut, when can we do it?!” Better get ready for a jhaap if you were to try that. Beta ajee, mahila sex ki vastu nahin hai, not an object of sex ... Not an object for anything, get it?

So now, relax on the nocturnal emission. Fear no more. The water works work! Meet girls, hang out, and win them or her over with your charm and intellect! Put your hand out for friendship, for dosti, not any other body part, samjhe?!

To protect the author's privacy, the person in the photo is a model.

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