Sanjana (name changed) is a 28 year old professional working in New Delhi.
I really like Rohit – that’s why I agreed to move in with him a year ago. We make love almost every other day and I believe that sex is the perfect garnishing for the relationship we have. At least, I believed this until I lent him my laptop while his had conked off.
I got the laptop back once he got a new one within a week. Then while I was searching for something in front of my colleague who is not very comfortable with my unmarried relationship status, some very embarrassing porn site recommendations started popping up. All she said was, “Tum logon ko bhi yeh dekhna padta hai? Mere ko toh laga tha live-in wallon ko sex ki kami toh nahi hoti…”
Sex every night
I didn’t know what to say. I checked the history of Chrome as soon as she left and I was shocked. I thought we had a great relationship in and out of bed, but why would Rohit be watching porn if he was satisfied with me? Did he not love me? Did he fake orgasms to maintain the illusion of a healthy relationship?
I kept thinking about these questions and my withdrawal was pretty visible. I spoke to some girlfriends. Of course, I couldn’t tell them that I was talking about Rohit, but I asked people indirectly. Most of them weren’t sure if boys in stable relations or after marriage watched porn or not but they also reassured me: “At least, it isn’t another girl!” and “He isn’t cheating, not really!”
I decided to try extra hard to please him. We started having sex almost every night and spent most of our weekends in bed. At the back of my brain I kept thinking, “He can’t be watching porn now, he’s too busy for it!” Neither of us could maintain the pace of our sexual life so in time we went back to normal.
'Stop nagging'
And after a few days, I chanced upon his phone only to find that there were some links to porn stuff there too. I knew I had to speak to him. I was worked up and I guess it showed. During our argument, I told him everything – my laptop, the links, my insecurities, my trying to be sufficient for him in bed, his phone.
Though he didn’t like the fact that I had checked his phone (and he did call me snoopy), he tried to maintain his calm. He said that he loved our time in bed but he liked seeing porn at times. Also, he didn’t need sex 24/7, but he would be lying if he told me that he would stop completely just to please me.
I then had to say, “Rohit, I don’t like the idea of you seeing other girls!”
He became a little hyper and said that I should stop nagging as he was just watching porn and not wanting me to imitate porn or become like a porn star, and left. I was dumbstruck. I felt very hurt but a part of me was telling me that some of what he was saying was right. He never did ask me to try weird things.
Trying to understand
The next day I accepted going on a five-day working trip to Jaipur. I told him about it in an SMS. He came to the bus-stand with flowers and said sorry. His being so caring made me want to wish the porn episode away but I was glad that I was going. This time away gave me some time to think about myself, us, the porn episode and about the fact that maybe I didn’t understand Rohit that well. Maybe we should talk more about the sexual side of our relationship so I could find out what is it that he liked about porn.
It’s been four months since I returned from Jaipur. I don’t act as if I don’t know that he likes watching porn but now I try to get him to talk more about what he likes about it. My attitude towards the porn thing is not as moralistic or insecure as it was (so much so that once I tried watching it with him to understand his likes and porn) but I know we have a long way to go before we have worked this whole porn thing out.
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