Aunty ji
Love Matters India

My fiancee had a bf earlier. Should I be worried?

By Auntyji Friday, April 27, 2018 - 08:44
My fiancee says she had kissed her ex-boyfriend. How do I know they didn't go the full way? I am stressed and unsure whether to carry on with this engagement. Jacob, 28, Kerala.

Auntyji says, ‘Oh ho beta Jacob, this must have put you in a spot of sorts I must say!’ The truth is beta that no, you don’t know. You don’t know if they have gone half way, mid way or full way. Now the questions is, what do you want to do about it?  

2 ways to do it

Puttar, which means a dear person – boy or girl – in Punjabi – you know na Jacob?  People are writing from so many different corners of the country – but your Bubbly Aunty forgets that some of you may not understand your Auntyji’s pyar wale naam. So now let’s just go through a few possibilities.

So listen. Beta, here it is. Now, this girl, she could have kept her silence on this and not told you anything but she did. What does that tell us? Again two things. One, that she is ‘preparing’ you – ‘I kissed and I also had sex -27 times, in all the Kamasutra positions’.

Or  she too may have had a moment of introspection and thought – ‘I don’t want to start this relationship hiding anything from Jacob – I will tell him.’

Against all odd

If she told a gal pal that she was going to tell you – am reasonably certain the gal pal must have jumped out of her skin with a ‘NO’ as loud as the sea roars. But yet, she did tell you risking what is precious to her. It is your engagement and you are coming together. She took that leap of faith to tell you before marriage.

What if you do decide to call it off? You could say, ‘I am not sure of her’.  Wouldn’t your family, her lot of people come to know? The ‘bride to be’ kissed her ex and her ‘to be’ is axing the wedding?’ Does any girl ever want to be in that spot unless she is true in her heart and is adamant to build this relationship on trust and honesty – you tell me?

Is it worth it?

Now comes the question – what do you what to build it on? Doubt? Wonder? Fear, mistrust?  If you say a yes to any of these, then puttar, harsh as it may sound – call it off. Do not ever begin any relationship with mistrust, on hearsay or depend on impressions and assumptions.  

Any relationship – but more so the one in which you have a future planned for a marriage or a relationship which is intimate, long-term and sexual in nature. Don’t trust her? Have doubts? Step back.

Again bluntly put –with this teeny monster of doubt and assumption – we often time get all consumed. We never give the other one a chance. We make our own impressions and we lose the opportunity to be with someone who may have enriched our lif in so many beautiful ways – why? Because you were engulfed in assumption and prejudiced.

Clear your head

Think again Jacob. Take a small break. If each time you both have a fight and you are going to bring up, ‘but you kissed the ex and God knows what all...” that will be a cheap blow – and the relationship will go south – entirely. Down and out.

But if you still take that time out – think and consider and come back to her with that you appreciate her honesty and openness and are trusting her totally.  She will be happy that you have faith in her and that will form the foundation of your love and a marriage built on solid turf.

Take a few days away from all this marriage and wedding preparation and think it out for yourself.  But once you decide, then stick with it too. OK? Think it through – and not half way – mid way, no way ... think it out – all the way.

*To protect the identity, the person in the picture is a model and names have been changed.

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I think past doesn't matter...if the person is good and more importantly that you find her soul good then .. past doesn't matter... accept the past and move on yo future
It will not concern me, whether he had a previous relationship or not but a honest promise that they don't have a place in future does matter.
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