Auntyji says… Puttar Satnaam, let me say, shabaash that you have acknowledged this and not taken any extreme step, at least not yet, and are seeking counsel beforehand. Now this is the sign of a person who introspects!
Let’s begin from the basics – and that puttar is the question you are asking, “What should I do?” Bluntly, whatever you do, don’t hit her! Bas! Sau gall de ek gall! NO VIOLENCE. Bhaven kuj ve ho, NO VIOLENCE! Theek hai puttar?
I know, you may be thinking, “But that’s my problem Auntyji.” I know it beta, I can hear you, but listen to me too, hitting anyone is just not allowed. Let’s talk more and let’s talk about the most important person here – Satnaam, you, yourself.
Betaji, ki ho reha hai? What’s going on with you, hain? Look into yourself and find out. Are you angry with yourself about something? Are you frustrated? Are you going through some medical changes, some mood swings, koi depression te nahin? Why I am asking you to do all this, puttarjee, is so that at least you are sure of not exacerbating the situation in any way.
Not that we are looking to pin the blame on either of you but we must be aware that she too will have a version of the same situation, will she not? She too will have something to say, like, “Satnaam does X, Y and Z, and it gets on my nerves. I can’t stop screaming. He makes me so FURIOUS!” So let’s find that out na, are you really doing something like that? Has something inside you changed that has made you a different guy and her mad?! Explore!
Healthy or unhealthy?
Now comes a bitter truth, and that is, Satnaam, that your relationship is perhaps changing. You both are behaving differently with each other. Would you tend to agree? Your love has become a bit impatient and not as easy as it was. So much that she is annoying you enough to make you want to hit her. This is definitely not a sign of a healthy relationship.
So puttar you actually have other issues waiting to be sorted, you know. We have already introspected the question, ‘What if you are changing?’ Let’s also ask, if she has changed in some big way? Is she still the person you loved? For her ideas, her thoughts, her temperament, or has she metamorphosed into someone else altogether?
One more word and I will just slap her
Now you see, one of the things that happens sometimes is that if we become or are becoming the person who is constantly being controlled and yelled at for not being good enough, we tend to become just that – the controller. And we begin to act in ways which are different or aggressive or absolutely unbending. You could say in one way, we ourselves become inflexible and closed to any sort of feedback and conversation.
That further infuriates the person to no extent and then we begin again, the same old routine of yelling, screaming, demeaning. All this while in your head you are thinking, “One more word and I will just slap her.” DON’T EVEN THINK OF IT!
What you should do
So here are some seemingly easy ways out. We all know how it’s easier said than done! So next time it’s brewing, you are ...stating your point quietly, which mainly is, “Let’s talk when we are calmer,” and leaving the scene of the crime. Go away, out of the house. Take a walk. Now this may dull the impact or just the opposite – she may get worse and then it’s your real test.
You have to tell yourself, “Happen whatever may, I cannot stay in the same room with her now.” LEAVE. Satnaam, beta would you consider telling someone in your family, rather hers? If not the whole truth, but just a prep, lest this does take an extreme turn? She does something just terrible in her anger?
The other – you both have a sit down, which I am sure you must have done 100 times, and consider putting a bit of distance between each other? Is that a possibility?
And finally, I want to suggest therapy for both of you, but that’s only if both are equally interested. However, maybe you can see a counsellor, maybe just talking it out will get this out of your system a bit? Try?
Happen whatever may Satnaam, if you so much as raise a finger, the only thing that will remain is, “He is an abuser.” You would have lost the point, the discussion and mostly importantly, lost regard for yourself. Don’t let that happen. It’s time to cool down, focus and introspect. All the best, beta.
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