She has pain when we have sex – how can I help?

By Auntyji Tuesday, February 19, 2013 - 17:10
I got married a few days ago. My wife and I have tried having sex but she experiences a lot of pain. What can I do to help her? I don't want sex to be painful for her. What should I do? Amar, Varanasi

Amar puttar, shaadi di lakh lakh badhiyan. I always say that winter weddings are the best. All that deep fried food and warmth. However it seems like that you and your wife are not able to take full advantage of long, cold nights.

It is definitely something to worry about. What I am rather happy to note is that you, my dear boy, are worried about it as well. That is the number one secret to a successful marriage; care for your partner’s well-being and they’ll take care of you right back.

For one thing, your wife is certainly not alone – many women experience pain during sex and often just put up with it for the sake of their partner’s pleasure. Read more about it in this Love Matters article on women suffering in silence. Now that is something your wife should never do – but because you are so kindly concerned, she won’t need to.

Now let’s get to the problem at hand. There are very many reasons why a woman might feel pain during sex. However in most cases of consensual sex, the common culprit is insufficient vaginal lubricant. Or simply a tense vagina – otherwise known as pelvic floor hyperactivity. But worry not, this doesn’t mean that your dear darling votti is not enjoying the act.

Chances are that she’s just too new to the game or maybe just nervous about sex. But this is certainly not an unheard problem amongst new brides. And it’s not too difficult to resolve the situation as well. Here’s your Auntyji’s three point solution: help her relax, increase the foreplay and then use external lubricants.

So let's start by making the missus feel more relaxed. Marriage is a big step and sex is a big part of it. She wants it to be great and isn’t sure how she should act. Help her calm down, tell her what she’s doing right and just guide her, if she needs that. Because unless she feels comfortable, neither of you will enjoy sex. Chances are she is over-thinking and worrying, so just help her stay calm, leading to sex.

All your tricks
Next step is to make it even more fun for her. The general rule of thumb is that there is nothing called too much foreplay. In fact it’s much nicer to forget the word foreplay and just think of intercourse as one dish at a feast, with each dish as delicious as the next.

Go on and try all your tricks, and a then learn a few more - there are many ways to make love. Enough sexual stimulation will get her fully in the mood and make sure her vagina is relaxed and thoroughly lubricated.

And finally, if all else fails, go for external help. If you ask me, you kids are rather lucky these days, because lubes are a girl’s best friend. Diamonds are not bad either, and will help her feel more relaxed and can be used for foreplay as well.

On a more serious note, there is nothing wrong in using a lubricant. Now I won’t condone good old desi ghee. For one thing, oily lubricants can damage a condom. So try and get your hands on a real, safe water-based lubricant.

Love and attention
Now all this is your Auntyji’s perspective, can’t really be sure all the time. Women may also suffer painful intercourse due vaginal infections or STDs. Many new brides are known to get the urinary tract infection or the UTI as it is commonly known. But worry not because this is very common and it often happens when women try to have sex the first few times. Make sure she is drinking enough water and even cranberry juice works wonders. I would strongly suggest a visit to a gynaecologist if the problem persists.

Amar betaji, hopefully your shy bride, reads this letter and knows how much you worry for her. I have a feeling that she just needs a little bit more love and attention, and all shall be well, very soon.

What advice would you give? Leave your comment here or on Facebook!

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Willyella wilssan
Sun, 12/21/2014 - 18:52
Actualy i lost my virginity ad i dont know how.hw can i get it back i ve heard the use of alum ad water but i dnt know if it goin to work pls i need help because am faustrated right now.can tooth paste help to bring back virginty
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