As an Indian guy, *Abhinav felt the pressure to be a sexpert. What he needed was someone to talk to, not expensive Viagra.
I couldn't please her
So about six months back when I had a girlfriend there were times we made love. Colleagues and friends looked at me with envy. But little did they know that our paradise was jinxed.
There were times when I felt I had to be the virile person that my girlfriend wanted me to be, so much so that under all the pressure I would not be able to get an erection. I worried that as my sexual experience was limited to this one girl, what if I couldn’t please her?
We parted ways two months back and I confess that my insecurity, as well as the pressure to be the ‘know it all about sex’ guy, played some part in this breakup. I still feel hurt when I think about her. But the worst injury was the fear that there was something physically wrong with me – or rather with my penis. After all, why had I not been able to perform on demand like (I guess) most people?
I wanted to talk to someone about it, but who? I wanted to go to a doctor to get myself checked but that in itself was a dilemma. If there was something seriously wrong then how would I deal with it? And if I didn’t go at all then I wouldn’t know and would be left doubting my abilities.
An extra problem was that I just didn’t know any doctors who specialises in the male reproductive system. I searched on Google and found the number of a sexologist with some good reviews near my house. I gathered my courage and went to visit him.
When I entered the waiting room all I could think was did all these guys have the same problem as I do? I hoped no one would recognise me if they saw me on the street. Should I just chicken out? Anyway, I’d paid some 1000 rupees for the consultation and the banker in me gave me the guts to wait for my appointment.
I told the sexologist in the briefest and most casual way about how I didn’t always get an erection when my girlfriend and I wanted to have sex. He was brisk and I couldn’t speak about all my fears. He was writing while I was speaking and then he said, 'You should take this 13,000 rupee medicine from the medicine counter outside.' I would be getting no receipt or prescription for this. I was stunned.
One part of my brain was tempted to buy the medicine but the other part was alarmed at having to pay so much. I wanted to call someone and ask if this was genuine – should I pay to buy the medicine? But how would I tell any of my friends about why I needed to buy these 13,000 rupee pills? I went home trying to tell myself that nothing was wrong with me, the sexologist was a farce.
At home, I logged into the internet out of habit. And it was then that on Facebook I learnt about a friend who was trying to spread awareness about prostate cancer. Through the site, he was recommending I learnt about ‘urology’ and that they could look at my genitals to help me figure out my problem.
I was scared but I looked up a urologist. I met this old gentleman who heard my entire tale, invited confidences, examined me. I was perfectly fine, he said, no tests were required. There was no problem with my penis, it was in my mind. The pressure to perform had led to my self-doubts and erection problems. We did have a long conversation about girls, penis problems and how I could visit him anytime I had any doubts.
I wish everyone a doctor like that fellow. And now I know which doctor to consult in times of male reproductive health troubles. At least anytime that it is related to penises.
This article was first published on May 3, 2013
*To protect the identity, names have been changed and the person/s in the picture is/are models.