My husband is a sex addict. Help!

‘Auntyji says..Oh dear pyari beta, surely this is not a fine situation to be in. But we have each other to talk to. Right here.’

Under the wraps

Pyaari puttar, I can understand you have given no name nor identifying feature. Actually, the taboo on this issue is so huge that you are worried koi jaan na jaye – we can understand. When something like this happens to us – we feel so ashamed and embarrassed and are scared to talk about it.  

Yes, sure. You don’t want to tell anyone – that’s fine, it’s your choice entirely but it’s not your fault. The man is brutal towards you. It’s his issue, his problem completely – you are not to be blamed – so get that out of your mind, head and heart – asap. OK?

Some like it different

Now here is one aspect of this matter, a bit on the side – let me bring that up too. Maybe he is the kind of person who gets ‘turned on’ by acts of violence – that’s his kind of sex. It is the type of sex which is called bondage sex. It is the practice of consensually tying, binding, or restraining a partner for sexual arousal. Without getting into too much of details, let me tell you beta that there are people like that, you know. And they make very successful relationships. You know why? Because they are both agreeable and consenting to this kind of sex. They are doing it out of their choice and free will for pleasure and love.

Have you had a chance to talk to him about it? Have you told him that it hurts you? Sometimes, partners, often men, can assume that their partners are ok to go along with whatever they want unless it’s specified to them. Does he know it hurts you and that you are not happy because of it? Beta, if you haven’t had the talk with him, do it now! Make him understand how you feel and perhaps gain a better understanding of his desires too and if there is a way of having sex that doesn’t hurt you but works for his fantasies.

Not what you signed up for

But if you have already spoken to him about this and nothing has changed then it is time for you to act. Beta, if one partner is getting hurt and experiencing pain and brutality – well, then that’s a problem. You know why? Because you are not a consenting partner – you did not sign up for this. This is violence. This is a sarasar violation of one’s dignity and rights. It is a gross misuse of 'power as a husband' and that you as dutiful wife feel pressured to put up with.

Act now

Puttar, it’s time to make some changes. As I mentioned first talk to your husband. If you have already been through that, begin talking to someone – tell someone close what you are going through. Yaad rakho betajaan, it’s not your fault – why should you feel ashamed?  

Puttar, what are you hiding? Who are you protecting? The man is the biggest threat to you anyhow. Phir se socho, beta. Maybe the time has come to take some firm steps some final action. You are not alone in this. Worldwide, many women have put up with such behaviour for years and then taken some decision for themselves and walked away from very abusive relationships. And let me guarantee you, they are very happy.

If you feel that no one in your family or friends would be able to help, you may consider reaching out to a counselor, who has experience in providing counsel and advice for situations that you find yourself in.

Puttar ji, you have to make a start to resolve the situation. Sit back. Think strong and long and take that step. Don’t put up with violence and actions which take away your dignity and pride. Collect all your strength and make a decision – which is about you, your life, your body and your dignity.

Love Matter India calls on all its readers to take a stand against abusive behaviour. Raise your voice with us on our Facebook page as we mark the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women (25 November). If you have a specific question, please visit our discussion forum - Let’s Talk