I’m 21, in love with a teenager

Auntyji says… Oh ho puttar Rajeev, what a question sirji. Ab beta, isme to there are some issues. I am sure that’s why you are writing na beta? Chalo, let’s discuss!

Straight talk

So beteji, sabse pehle, let’s get one thing out of the way. Ladki to naabalig hai! That means she is underage and if you have sex, even if it is with her razamandi, her consent, you can land in jail! I agree that a lot of girls of this and even younger are engaging in sex and no one is in jail yet, but that is the law, like it or not!

Now comes the question of ethics. Oye puttar, kuddi sirf 16 ki hai. Is this a right age to be in a relationship? Does she even realise its meaning? Beta, being in love is a wonderful thing, a special feeling, but it must be on equal ground and equal footing. One partner cannot be on a pedestal and the other in some kind of subordinate position. Yeh toh baat nahin bani, beta.

People and belongings

Of course she is happy with you. You are her ‘forever there’ guy. When we are in love, we do advise and guide the person we are with. That’s what you are doing and that’s just fine! But is she offering you the same? Does she play the same role in your life? Do you follow and fall back on her advice and help?

Suppose your company is considering retrenchment and you need to give them your opinion. Will you share and discuss this with your girlfriend and seek her ideas? Yes?

Sometimes we love to love a person who needs us, who we can fuss over, take charge and control, like they belong to us.

But people are people, Rajeev, not belongings. Same thing, wahi equality waali baat, beta. Introspect.

Difficult choices

Let us say she is happy and ready to be with you sexually, emotionally and physically. Does that mean she isn’t allowed to live her own life? She needs to meet and mix with more people, make new relationships and most valuably focus on studies, games or hobbies, hain na?

Now here is a responsibility that comes on your shoulders. It is for you to assess whether being in this relationship is really what works for her (and you) to the best. You have to keep a check. Is she getting too dependent on you? Is she ignoring her studies, her family for you? Is she telling small white lies to be with you? Is she taking too many risks to keep you and this relationship intact? Surely you would not want any of this, right? Puttar, yeh to maamla gadbad hai na?

A new journey

So ab kya karna hai? Beta, it’s already a good sign that you’re asking this question to me and to yourself. Do you see any signs of controlling behaviour in you? Just because she’s younger, do you see yourself bossing her around? Always be aware of the power equation in your relationship. Is it tipping too much in your favour? If yes, then you need to take a step back, check in with her and speak your mind. This kind of dominance isn’t good for any relationship. You need to mend your ways, become more conscious of how you treat her.

If you can’t do these things, it would be time to say, “Tata, bye bye.” If you really love her, set her off on her own journey, her own path of discovery and self-growth. Help her to achieve her goals and understand herself by being a friend first.

To protect the author’s privacy, the person in the picture is a model.

Do you think age plays a role in relationships? Share your views in comments or on Facebook.