'How can you think about this before marriage?’

Ritika (20) is a student in Kanpur. 

A new feeling

I had been in a relationship with Sameer for a long time. It was a childhood friendship that grew into affection in the teen years and then a relationship in our adulthood. I really enjoyed being with Sameer. I could discuss anything and everything with him. He was my best friend more than my boyfriend. Yes, I was attracted to him, both emotionally and physically. Holding hands, hugging each other was just normal between us. 

But since sometime, I had a strong desire to do more with him. It was one day when we were out on a coffee date. We were chatting and laughing at some of the pictures of our common friends. He was looking very hot in that blue shirt I gifted him on his birthday. 

I had a strong desire to kiss him at that moment. It was a new kind of feeling that I never felt before. He asked me what was going on in my mind but I changed the topic. I wasn’t sure how he would react - make fun of me or understand me! He kept on asking me, why are you behaving so differently but I remained quiet. 

Am I normal? 

Next morning, he came to pick me up and praised me saying I was looking so cute in that dress. ‘Don’t you feel like kissing me?’ I asked. His jaws dropped and he did not know how to react. He looked confused and uttered, ‘What nonsense yaar! Stop joking now and just sit. We are getting late for college’. 

I felt so embarrassed and did not talk to him the whole day. Next day when he came to pick me up, Sameer said that he wasn't ready. He asked me how can I, being a girl, think about this before marriage? He also made fun of me by imitating me and said I must be in bad company of girls. I was made to feel guilty and he also told me that these things are supposed to be initiated by boys, not girls. 

I was confused more than ever before, I thought that something must be wrong with me, and I am the only one who is having these kinds of desires. Sameer, being a guy, doesn't have these desires then why do I have them? Did he not love me or maybe he was not attracted to me? 

For days, I didn’t talk to anyone about it and I kept my feelings to all by myself. I began to avoid Sameer. I felt embarrassed to be near him because he made fun of me and my feelings. It was very suffocating. 

As a last resort, I told my girlfriends about this situation and what Sameer told me. My friends made me understand that having these desires is normal to every human being, whether it is a girl or a boy. 

After hearing this from my friends, I was relaxed that I wasn't wrong, my desires are not wrong.

No respect, no relationship

Next day, I decided to break up with Sameer. I told him that if he was not ready to respect me and my feelings then I too do not want to be with him. He was shocked and again started mocking me. This was a different side of Sameer that I had not seen before. 

But before he could say any more words to hurt me or make me feel guilty, I turned away and never looked back. It’s been a couple of weeks that we both have spoken to each other. 

To protect the identity, the person in the picture is a model and names have been changed. 

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About the author: Vinayana Khurana is pursuing M.Phil in English literature from Delhi University. She is a woman with Cerebral palsy but that is not her identity. She's a writer, a poet and a Comic Artist. You can reah her out on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and LinkedIn