I didn’t ask my friends because I was embarrassed (Although, when we finally compared notes, they weren’t having much luck in that department either). I didn’t ask my partner because I thought it might hurt his feelings.
I’ve faked a ton of orgasms. Mostly because my partners would become frustrated at my inability to have one. Even though I was having a great time without climaxing, they felt pressure to get me there, and this pressure spilt over to me resulting in ‘orgasm anxiety’. I was worried that they were bored and unsatisfied and I ended up feeling inadequate and wasn’t enjoying myself. I remember an ex saying, “Other girls I’ve been with never had a problem, maybe it’s you.” Thanks for that, guy.
Fast forward to me actually having my first orgasm – it was forgettable, dare I say ‘overrated’. But how did I finally get there? I came clean. I was seeing someone new, and admitted that I had never had an orgasm, and I didn't know if I would. Once that was out there, the pressure was off. They were attentive and patient – compatibility is a very important factor here. Couple that with a little research on the side and here’s what I’ve figured out:
Contrary to what I believed, nothing was wrong with me – I just had to find out what worked when it came to me, specifically. Many women are unable to reach orgasm through vaginal sex, but can through oral/manual stimulation of the clitoris. But it’s not like the clitoris is a switch you flip to start climaxing. It’s about pace, pressure and rhythm and it takes time for not only your partner, but for you as well to learn just the right combination.
Sexuality is forever evolving, explore it. I was curious and tried new things; alone or with assistance. There was always something to discover. No one knows your body like you do, and chances are you’ll find what works for you.
Talk to your partners
I realised communication plays a big role here as well and I eventually built up the courage to discuss my sexual needs with partners – I took enough time to research, so I figured, why not share it? It’ll make things easier.
A friend of mine’s been dating this guy for three years, she’s had zero orgasms but refuses to bring it up with him because she doesn’t “know what to say. What if he gets angry?” Depending on how much you trust them, you’ll know how much to tell them – and chances are they’ll respond favorably.
And here’s something I tell myself regularly. “Be calm. Don't worry about the climax. I'm right where I want to be.” Don’t over think it –‘orgasm anxiety’ isn’t fun for anyone. And as long as you’re getting pleasure out of the sex you’re having you don't even have to give a fig about orgasms. If I get there, great – if I don’t, that’s fine too.
Views expressed in this blog are not necessarily endorsed by Love Matters.