Jasmine (22) is an Architecture student in New Delhi.
Whenever my friends discussed sex, I thought I was abnormally odd. I could only picture bloodshed and trauma. Imagining a vaginal orgasm was out of question. I was dead sure penetration could only result in severe blood loss and paralysis. Plus, being hospitalised for trying to have sex would cause too much embarrassment around!
"I told myself I had the condition of having a vagina-less body"
Each time my partner and I headed to the point of penetration, my body would freeze. However great the foreplay might’ve been, I would begin panicking. I told myself I had the condition of having a vagina-less body and it could not be cured. I couldn’t risk sounding like a fool, so I never shared this with my boyfriend.
The thought haunted me even outside the bedroom. I wanted to find out if my vagina actually did exist. No amount of Internet research could convince me. I approached a close friend and tried talking about it. But it was hard being entirely honest about my fears, as it just sounded really stupid and scary, both at the same time.
"I loved him but I couldn't give him the pleasure he was expecting."
My boyfriend was being considerate about the whole thing, but what if he ran out of patience? It was surely not easy being fully aroused and then pushed away. I began feeling guilty – I loved him but was not able to give him the pleasure he was expecting to have. I wasn’t being ‘good enough.’
The fear felt like a tattoo that had been seared deep under my skin. When I could take it no more, I told my partner what was going on in my mind. We went for dinner and then stayed out for a movie. I was so relieved to get the entire thing off my head for some time at least.
"The whole thing went in without hurting!"
One night while spending time alone, I tried inserting an earbud down there to see if it could go through. The whole thing went in without hurting. I felt slightly brave and this time I tried one finger. This also went in freely. Gradually, I used three fingers – and no trouble again.
So I did have a vagina that seemed somewhat penetrable. The following morning, I was feeling overjoyed with myself. And that night, after some wine and cheese, it wasn’t just me who was sure; my boyfriend had an easy enough time making his way through!
The woman pictured on the page is not Jasmine.
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