Disability and sexuality
Sex and sexuality are not considered a priority for people with disabilities. Service providers, support workers, and even friends and family tend to focus on the more obvious challenges presented by a disability and assume that sex is unimportant.
But sex is an important part of overall well-being for everyone; disability or no disability. No one should assume that a person with a disability is asexual, or be afraid to ask them about love and sex.
People with disabilities may also be heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. And if some do have little or no interest in sex, that’s okay too – but it’s certainly not the only way to be.
Sex is all about communication: explaining what you like, finding out what your partner likes, and finding a way to do it. Maybe your body is more or less sensitive in certain places, or maybe mobility or spasticity is a challenge – whatever your body is like, the process of exploring it and discovering new sensations can be an amazing experience for you and your partner.
Communication and creativity
Don’t rush into sex unless you are sure you’re ready. If you have doubts, it’s fine to say no. Don’t let anyone talk you into sex if it’s not what you what. The key to having a good (first) sexual experience is good communication and a partner you trust.
Your disability may impact your bodily functions, so you may have to compensate with toys or find other ways that work for you. Having sex may be more of a challenge, but it can also push you to be more creative! Remember there are lots of ways to have sex and it may take some time to find the ones that works for you and your partner.
Due to your disability, you may have issues with bladder or bowel control. If you’re afraid that this will affect your sex life or you’re embarrassed something might happen while you’re having sex with your partner, bring it up beforehand and see how you can best work together handle this.
If something unexpected happens, remember to laugh. Laughter is the best medicine to deal with the unpredictable things that happen in bed.
Communication and creativity are key. Talk to your partner; you both need to be prepared to experiment. This means that you have to be comfortable enough with your partner to have conversations that may feel a bit embarrassing. Wait for the right moment, when you’re both feeling relaxed, and suggest trying something new. You may be surprised – even talking about it can be a real turn-on!
Everyone is different. If you’re having trouble finding a way to have sex that works for you, think about discussing your options with a healthcare provider or therapist, or other people with disabilities you trust.
FAQs
Don’t people with disabilities have more important things to worry about?
Love and sex are just as important for people with disabilities as they are for everyone else. If you have a disability, you may face other challenges too, but that doesn’t mean that relationships and a good sex life don’t matter.
Can people with disabilities only have sex with other people with disabilities?
No. Many people with disabilities have partners who aren’t disabled. A disability is just one part of a person’s identity, like their height or the colour of their eyes. It doesn’t determine who they’re attracted to.
Sex should be spontaneous! So how can people with disabilities have ‘real’ sex?
Sex often looks spontaneous in films, but it certainly doesn’t have to be in real life. Whether or not you have a disability, it’s unlikely that sex ‘just happens’ every time. Planning to have sex doesn’t make it less exciting – in fact, the anticipation might make it even sexier!
How can a disabled person talk to others about sex and sexuality?
It takes a lot of courage to start a conversation about sex with a family member, friend, caregiver, or health provider. Identify someone you trust, and who you think will understand your concerns without questioning them. Start by slowly easing into the topic and mention that you have some questions about sex and sexuality, and ask if they would mind helping you out. From their reaction, you might be able to tell if you can ask your questions.
How can I support a person with a disability in expressing their sexuality?
If you know someone with a disability, remember that they’re a sexual person – just like everyone else. Talk to them about it. You could start a conversation about your own sex life, and if they seem comfortable ask them how they feel about sex.
Can people with disabilities get STDs?
Yes. Whether or not you have a disability, it’s always a good idea to use a condom.
Can a woman get pregnant if she has a disability?
Yes. Unless there is a specific medical reason, there is no reason why a disabled woman couldn’t get pregnant and have children.
Can people with disabilities join internet dating sites?
Yes. It’s a good idea to be open and honest about your disability in your profile – don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. There are also specific dating sites for people with disabilities.